I haven't had sex in over a year, and the trek through my personal Mojave Desert has been both enlightening and frustrating (for obvious reasons).
Why the self-induced dry spell? It all started in late 2015, when a hot guy in one of my friend's Instagrams made me stop mid-scroll. After some double taps on his page, he let me know the interest was mutual by sliding into my DMs. And much to my simultaneous delight and surprise, there was actual substance in our conversations. It didn't take long before the DMs turned to texts and the texts turned to phone calls every single day. I had a serious case of OMG-am-I-about-to-be-in-a-relationship giddiness. But that didn't last long. Amid entering we-are-but-we-aren't territory, I learned that he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. Instead of making peace with that and letting it go, I acted like I was fine with his disclaimer because the chemistry between us was too strong to ignore (and, let's be real, I was in denial).
Clearly, things were a pretty healthy start.
I kept trying to tell myself that I was cool with having sex with a guy who didn't want to be my boyfriend. I was cool with knowing that he was talking to other girls. I was cool with the fact that it was just sex and nothing else, because as R. Kelly said, there's nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. Except none of that was true and R. Kelly should never be someone you turn to for advice on anything, ever.
Our generation tends to look at sex as a means-to-an-end instead of a privilege.
I couldn't hold up the façade with our situation for long, though, and my DM Casanova became the catalyst for making a much deeper lifestyle change. I was tired of playing out the same scenario with different guys, so after coming to terms with the fact that I wanted something he wasn't willing to give me, we turned our situationship into a platonic friendship, and I started doing some inward digging to figure out why I was always engaging in behavior that never aligned with what I wanted.
Whether it was my first boyfriend cheating on me because I was scared to ditch my V-card or the mere fact that our generation tends to look at sex as a means-to-an-end instead of a privilege, I was somehow made to believe that having sex was necessary to make a guy like me — and if I didn't do it, then poof, he was going to disappear and it'd be my fault. Sad!
So, in an effort to alter that mindset, I decided I was going to abstain from casual sex. I told myself I wouldn't give it up until the guy I was talking to made me feel like the goddess I am. No more worrying about other women, because the right guy will make it clear that I'm all he sees. Boom. The trouble is: finding that guy and ending my dry spell might take longer than I thought.
I was so hyped those first few months, because I felt like I was finally reclaiming my power and no one could tear me down. But when I surpassed the six-month mark, the initial surge of self-empowerment began to fade, and I found myself doubting the whole experiment and wanting to throw in the towel. The little horny devil on my shoulder would say things like, "Does this really matter? Get some, girl!" And in all honesty, I was starting to get pissed, because all I kept coming across were what I like to call "sometimey" guys — the I'm-only-in-it-when-I-want-to-be-in-it guys. That's frustrating enough on its own, without adding the fact that I had to fight overwhelming sexual urges just to prove a point to myself.
I had to fight overwhelming sexual urges just to prove a point to myself.
Meanwhile, some of my friends made the idea of quitting this journey that much harder to ignore. Because I'm the token single friend, some of my girlfriends loved living vicariously through me, so my decision to willingly give up "wild sex with strangers" was almost like putting them on lockdown, too. "Ugh, Bruna, it's just sex, stop thinking so much!" they'd tell me. I wondered if they were right.
Then I'd have the maybe-joking-but-probably-serious sexual invitations from some of my oh-so-generous guy friends and former flings to put me out of my self-induced misery with a casual hook up. Temptation was at an all-time high, to say the least. But ultimately, I never gave in. I was going to power through, because I owed it to myself, and it didn't matter if anyone understood why I was doing this or not.
After that hump (pun intended), the hormones settled down a bit (or they just gave up). My urges came to a simmer, and I found myself approaching the one-year mark — and I'm still going. I know that going a week without getting laid may seem like cruel and unusual punishment for some, and although a year of no sexual intimacy whatsoever has been tough, it's not that difficult for me. My sex life wasn't off-the-charts to begin with, so it wasn't like I was dodging D everywhere I turned. I went on dates as usual, but nothing really panned out.
The author.
Still, I find myself having mixed feelings about the entire experience. There was a hint of sadness at the realization that I've gone a year without coming across a man I liked who was also willing to invest in me. Why was that? Was it the men I was choosing or was it a consequence of having an old-school approach in a time where people don't value basic dating principles anymore? I can't say. All I know is keeping the proverbial chastity belt on lockdown didn't become the secret trick to get a guy to drop his roster and make me his MVP. But I'm OK with that, because that was never the motive to begin with.
This experience was like giving myself some tough love. And as frustrating (sexually and otherwise) as that lesson was, it was necessary. I did this experiment to help trash the mentality of having to throw sex at a man to keep his interest, and to remind myself that I am worth loving without having to spread my legs first. I stuck to my guns, and for that reason alone, the disappointment was overshadowed with immense pride. I wanted to stop putting myself in scenarios that made me feel disposable, and I did. I wanted to wait for the man who would bet on me, and I still am, because I know what I bring to the table.
2018年7月31日星期二
This Is How Many Times You Have to Have Sex to Make a Baby
Making a baby is serious business. While some couples seem to get pregnant on the first attempt, others can spend what feels like forever trying. But there's an actual number of times it takes a couple to get pregnant, according to a new survey.
On average, couples have sex 78 times from the time they decide to start trying to the time they get a positive sign on a pregnancy test. Those 78 times are spread over 158 days, or about 6 months.
ChannelMum.com, a parenting site, surveyed 1,194 parents, and found that most couples have sex 13 times per month when trying to conceive. Although this may sound like 13 times the fun, there are certain anxieties that come with trying to become parents. Eighteen percent of men and women said that sex while trying to conceive sometimes felt like a chore. Another 43 percent felt pressure to conceive and a fear that they wouldn't be able to.
"While trying to conceive can be fun, it is also hard work, stressful, and not every couple is lucky enough to get conceive, so while you're focused on the baby, try to remember about each other too," Siobhan Freegard, founder of ChannelMum.com said.
Some people think conception depends on your position. ChannelMum.com found that the most popular position is missionary (used by three-quarters of couples) followed by doggy style (used by 36 percent of couples). Other couples think pregnancy happens based on a woman's cycle, with half of women trying to time sex to fertile days, and 39 percent improving their diet and taking extra vitamins.
Once you make up your mind to start a family, waiting for your body to catch up can be frustrating. Luckily, there's lots of advice out there — and some of it might even make trying more fun.
On average, couples have sex 78 times from the time they decide to start trying to the time they get a positive sign on a pregnancy test. Those 78 times are spread over 158 days, or about 6 months.
ChannelMum.com, a parenting site, surveyed 1,194 parents, and found that most couples have sex 13 times per month when trying to conceive. Although this may sound like 13 times the fun, there are certain anxieties that come with trying to become parents. Eighteen percent of men and women said that sex while trying to conceive sometimes felt like a chore. Another 43 percent felt pressure to conceive and a fear that they wouldn't be able to.
"While trying to conceive can be fun, it is also hard work, stressful, and not every couple is lucky enough to get conceive, so while you're focused on the baby, try to remember about each other too," Siobhan Freegard, founder of ChannelMum.com said.
Some people think conception depends on your position. ChannelMum.com found that the most popular position is missionary (used by three-quarters of couples) followed by doggy style (used by 36 percent of couples). Other couples think pregnancy happens based on a woman's cycle, with half of women trying to time sex to fertile days, and 39 percent improving their diet and taking extra vitamins.
Once you make up your mind to start a family, waiting for your body to catch up can be frustrating. Luckily, there's lots of advice out there — and some of it might even make trying more fun.
10 of the Best Running Shoes for Women
Before you hit the pavement for your next workout, it's important to invest time in finding a pair of high-quality, perfectly-fit-for-you running shoes. In fact, researchers from Loyola University Medical Center concluded that the majority of injuries that have been reported by marathon runners — including blisters, toenail injuries, plantar fasciitis (heel pain), foot stress fractures, and sprained ankles — were related to improper shoes, along with improper socks and training. So do your feet a favor and check out a few tips on choosing the right shoes for your next jog, race, or long-distance run.
FOCUS ON FUNCTION, NOT FASHION
GETTY IMAGES
As much as we enjoy wearing trendy shoes that come in an array of stylish colors, choosing running sneakers should be based on need, not want. "It's extremely important because the best shoe for you might be the one that is the least appealing to you aesthetically," says Tom Holland, MS, CSCS, exercise physiologist, founder of Team Holland, and author of Swim, Bike Run—Eat.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
GET FITTED BY A PRO
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
Even though you may ultimately purchase your running shoes online, you may want to try on a few pair in the "right" type of shop. "Don't buy running shoes from a store that also sells tents, baseball bats, and beverage coolers," explains Holland. "Go to a specialty running store that is staffed by runners, where they will ask you a myriad of questions, examine the wear pattern on your current shoes, and often do a gait analysis test on a treadmill right in the store."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SHOP THE PROPER WAY
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
The study authors from Loyola University also noted that the ideal time of day to head to the store is late in the day, since your feet will have naturally expanded after hours of being on them. And when you get fitted for sneakers, be sure to wear your typical running socks, as well as orthotics.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
PRICIER DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN BETTER
GETTY IMAGES
While the old adage "you get what you pay for" does hold some truth in certain situations, it's not an appropriate quote when it comes to buying running shoes. "In fact, less expensive might just be better for you," states Holland, who's run in over 60 marathons and ultra-marathons around the world. He refers to research which found that low- to mid-priced shoes cushioned runners' feet just as well — if not better — than higher-priced sneakers of the same brand. "And another study, one that analyzed 134,867 reviews of 391 running shoes from 24 brands, concluded that 'there is no statistical correlation between the list price of a shoe and how well rated it is.'"
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
THERE'S NO NUMBER ONE RUNNING SNEAKER
GETTY IMAGES
"A common question people ask is, 'Which brand or model of running shoe is the best?'" states Holland. "But there isn't one. The best sneaker is the one that best correlates with your specific biomechanics, including your weekly mileage, goals, arch type, foot width, weight, primary running surface (treadmill, road, trail), whether you pronate or supinate, to name a few features."
Here are some of the most popular and highly-rated running shoes:
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SALOMON XR MISSION
SALOMON
These are one of the most popular running shoes on Amazon for a reason: They're designed for both pavement and trails, offer lots of traction, and have plenty of toe room.
BUY NOW Starting at $80, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
BROOKS GHOST 10 NEUTRAL CUSHIONED
BROOKS
The Runner's World's "Editor's Choice" award winner for 2017, these shoes provide tons of arch support and are known for their comfort, especially for those who suffer from arthritis or bunions.
BUY NOW Starting at $117, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SAUCONY STABIL CS3
SAUCONY
A brand that has spent years studying the biomechanics of top athletes and relies on everyday runners to test and rate its products, this Saucony sneaker is known for its PowerGrid midsole cushioning and Support Frame Heel counter, making it a popular choice for those who deal with pronation problems (when the feet excessive roll inward upon landing), which can lead to injuries, such as shin splints, bunions, and plantar fasciitis.
BUY NOW $130, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NEW BALANCE FRESH FOAM ZANTE V3
NEW BALANCE
Designed for running at high speeds, the "bootie" construction of this award-winning sneaker helps provide a snug fit. Plus, the aggressive toe spring and rubber outsole ensures a quick transition.
BUY NOW Starting at $110, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NIKE AIR ZOOM PEGASUS
NIKE
The engineered mesh allows for breathability, so this ultralight shoe — which is cushioned in the midsole and offers flex grooves for natural range of motion — does not need time to get that "just right" feel.
BUY NOW Starting at $45, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ADIDAS PURE BOOST X
ADIDAS
The sock-like design gives these training sneakers a snug fit, and a gap in the overlay at the arch supports the natural movement of your foot. (And it comes in lots of bright colorful combinations, too!)
BUY NOW Starting at $69, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL FORTITUDE 7
ASICS
While this shoe was designed with technology to enhance the foot's natural gait from heel strike to toe-off, an even bigger selling point is that it can support runners with larger builds, as well as those who require orthotics.
BUY NOW Starting at $56, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
UNDER ARMOUR CHARGED BANDIT 2
UNDER ARMOUR
This breathable, seamless, and stretchable sneaker is known for its two-piece Charged Cushioning midsole, which is firmer below the heel and softer below the forefoot, offering both comfort and support. Also, its "unique tongue" further enhances a solid fit.
BUY NOW Starting at $50, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
REEBOK OSR HARMONY ROAD
REEBOK
Named the 2017 Runner's World Best Debut for its performance-driven design and innovative KooshRide core technology, the tri-zone midsole of this sneaker also delivers shock absorption in the heel. The long-lasting cushion makes it a winner for long distance runners.
BUY NOW Starting at $42, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL-VENTURE 5
Asics GEL-Venture 5 Running Shoe
ASICS
Amazon reviewers loved this shoe because it offers serious support — whether you're hitting the track or are just going to be on your feet all day. Others reviews mentioned that these shoes have a comfortable amount of toe space.
BUY NOW Starting at $48, amazon.com
FOCUS ON FUNCTION, NOT FASHION
GETTY IMAGES
As much as we enjoy wearing trendy shoes that come in an array of stylish colors, choosing running sneakers should be based on need, not want. "It's extremely important because the best shoe for you might be the one that is the least appealing to you aesthetically," says Tom Holland, MS, CSCS, exercise physiologist, founder of Team Holland, and author of Swim, Bike Run—Eat.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
GET FITTED BY A PRO
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
Even though you may ultimately purchase your running shoes online, you may want to try on a few pair in the "right" type of shop. "Don't buy running shoes from a store that also sells tents, baseball bats, and beverage coolers," explains Holland. "Go to a specialty running store that is staffed by runners, where they will ask you a myriad of questions, examine the wear pattern on your current shoes, and often do a gait analysis test on a treadmill right in the store."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SHOP THE PROPER WAY
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
The study authors from Loyola University also noted that the ideal time of day to head to the store is late in the day, since your feet will have naturally expanded after hours of being on them. And when you get fitted for sneakers, be sure to wear your typical running socks, as well as orthotics.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
PRICIER DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN BETTER
GETTY IMAGES
While the old adage "you get what you pay for" does hold some truth in certain situations, it's not an appropriate quote when it comes to buying running shoes. "In fact, less expensive might just be better for you," states Holland, who's run in over 60 marathons and ultra-marathons around the world. He refers to research which found that low- to mid-priced shoes cushioned runners' feet just as well — if not better — than higher-priced sneakers of the same brand. "And another study, one that analyzed 134,867 reviews of 391 running shoes from 24 brands, concluded that 'there is no statistical correlation between the list price of a shoe and how well rated it is.'"
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
THERE'S NO NUMBER ONE RUNNING SNEAKER
GETTY IMAGES
"A common question people ask is, 'Which brand or model of running shoe is the best?'" states Holland. "But there isn't one. The best sneaker is the one that best correlates with your specific biomechanics, including your weekly mileage, goals, arch type, foot width, weight, primary running surface (treadmill, road, trail), whether you pronate or supinate, to name a few features."
Here are some of the most popular and highly-rated running shoes:
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SALOMON XR MISSION
SALOMON
These are one of the most popular running shoes on Amazon for a reason: They're designed for both pavement and trails, offer lots of traction, and have plenty of toe room.
BUY NOW Starting at $80, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
BROOKS GHOST 10 NEUTRAL CUSHIONED
BROOKS
The Runner's World's "Editor's Choice" award winner for 2017, these shoes provide tons of arch support and are known for their comfort, especially for those who suffer from arthritis or bunions.
BUY NOW Starting at $117, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SAUCONY STABIL CS3
SAUCONY
A brand that has spent years studying the biomechanics of top athletes and relies on everyday runners to test and rate its products, this Saucony sneaker is known for its PowerGrid midsole cushioning and Support Frame Heel counter, making it a popular choice for those who deal with pronation problems (when the feet excessive roll inward upon landing), which can lead to injuries, such as shin splints, bunions, and plantar fasciitis.
BUY NOW $130, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NEW BALANCE FRESH FOAM ZANTE V3
NEW BALANCE
Designed for running at high speeds, the "bootie" construction of this award-winning sneaker helps provide a snug fit. Plus, the aggressive toe spring and rubber outsole ensures a quick transition.
BUY NOW Starting at $110, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NIKE AIR ZOOM PEGASUS
NIKE
The engineered mesh allows for breathability, so this ultralight shoe — which is cushioned in the midsole and offers flex grooves for natural range of motion — does not need time to get that "just right" feel.
BUY NOW Starting at $45, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ADIDAS PURE BOOST X
ADIDAS
The sock-like design gives these training sneakers a snug fit, and a gap in the overlay at the arch supports the natural movement of your foot. (And it comes in lots of bright colorful combinations, too!)
BUY NOW Starting at $69, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL FORTITUDE 7
ASICS
While this shoe was designed with technology to enhance the foot's natural gait from heel strike to toe-off, an even bigger selling point is that it can support runners with larger builds, as well as those who require orthotics.
BUY NOW Starting at $56, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
UNDER ARMOUR CHARGED BANDIT 2
UNDER ARMOUR
This breathable, seamless, and stretchable sneaker is known for its two-piece Charged Cushioning midsole, which is firmer below the heel and softer below the forefoot, offering both comfort and support. Also, its "unique tongue" further enhances a solid fit.
BUY NOW Starting at $50, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
REEBOK OSR HARMONY ROAD
REEBOK
Named the 2017 Runner's World Best Debut for its performance-driven design and innovative KooshRide core technology, the tri-zone midsole of this sneaker also delivers shock absorption in the heel. The long-lasting cushion makes it a winner for long distance runners.
BUY NOW Starting at $42, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL-VENTURE 5
Asics GEL-Venture 5 Running Shoe
ASICS
Amazon reviewers loved this shoe because it offers serious support — whether you're hitting the track or are just going to be on your feet all day. Others reviews mentioned that these shoes have a comfortable amount of toe space.
BUY NOW Starting at $48, amazon.com
10 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex
Freud called female sexuality "the dark continent." Well, if that's true, male sexuality could qualify as the dark planet. After all, when it comes to sex, men are far from simple. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, so what you see on TV or hear from them is typically the role, not reality. Here are 10 "unmasking" facts straight from men and experts that you may want to know.
1. We respond to praise.
It's believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.
2. We fear intimacy …
… but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins — of words, thoughts, feelings — and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men — not because it's smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What's a woman to do? First, understand that your guy's hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he's denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.
intimate couple
GETTY IMAGES
3. We appreciate sex for sex's sake.
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex" is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, "Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it's not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her." On occasion, try letting him ravish you.
4. We're not just our … you know.
The penis gets all the press, but men have "many erogenous zones," says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. "Men tend not to correct women because they're afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch." Like the chest, inner thighs, and face. There are two other key areas: Gently gripping a man's testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.
5. We encourage fantasies.
"Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them," says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other. Then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you're both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
couple
GETTY IMAGES
6. We like it when you talk.
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising, and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman's words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he's a suburban banker.
7. We need your honesty.
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it can also cause stress. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it's easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.
8. We enjoy the dance.
Men like a good quest. Allow us to court you and make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: "Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance." How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls "separate sexuality": a sexual life that doesn't include, but doesn't betray, the other. "For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy." Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.
how to please a man
GETTY IMAGES
9. We can explain pornography.
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Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn't be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4% of the population, so it's unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, "no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man."
Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of "what about it turns him on versus what turns you off." That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity, and closeness.
10. We always need it, but not for the reason you think.
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. "Men see sex as a celebration," says Dr. Schaefer. "They wish women would take more of a 'carpe diem' approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It's easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure, and opportunity that sex affords us.
On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung." If that doesn't make you want to "seize the day" (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the "bonding hormone," bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure, and promotes healing.
1. We respond to praise.
It's believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.
2. We fear intimacy …
… but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins — of words, thoughts, feelings — and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men — not because it's smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What's a woman to do? First, understand that your guy's hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he's denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.
intimate couple
GETTY IMAGES
3. We appreciate sex for sex's sake.
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex" is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, "Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it's not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her." On occasion, try letting him ravish you.
4. We're not just our … you know.
The penis gets all the press, but men have "many erogenous zones," says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. "Men tend not to correct women because they're afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch." Like the chest, inner thighs, and face. There are two other key areas: Gently gripping a man's testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.
5. We encourage fantasies.
"Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them," says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other. Then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you're both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
couple
GETTY IMAGES
6. We like it when you talk.
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising, and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman's words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he's a suburban banker.
7. We need your honesty.
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it can also cause stress. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it's easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.
8. We enjoy the dance.
Men like a good quest. Allow us to court you and make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: "Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance." How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls "separate sexuality": a sexual life that doesn't include, but doesn't betray, the other. "For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy." Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.
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9. We can explain pornography.
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Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn't be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4% of the population, so it's unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, "no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man."
Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of "what about it turns him on versus what turns you off." That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity, and closeness.
10. We always need it, but not for the reason you think.
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. "Men see sex as a celebration," says Dr. Schaefer. "They wish women would take more of a 'carpe diem' approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It's easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure, and opportunity that sex affords us.
On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung." If that doesn't make you want to "seize the day" (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the "bonding hormone," bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure, and promotes healing.
10 Habits of Highly Sexual Couples
There are peaks and valleys in every long-term relationship. If you and your partner are going through a dry spell—sex has become inconsistent, or no longer valued in the relationship—it may be time to get things back on track. How do other couples keep things hot in the bedroom? Here, we spoke with leading sex therapists to find out what they say are the top 10 habits of highly sexual couples.
1
THEY EMBRACE IMPERFECTION.
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Life isn't perfect, and neither is sex. "Couples who have a lot of sex don't look for the perfect situation, like being on vacation when your kids are not with you. In daily life, work stress, family stress, and home stress of all kinds come into play," says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. "Couples who have a lot of sex take advantage of less than perfect moments."
2
THEY AREN'T ALWAYS SEXUALLY SELFISH.
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While it's easy to get lost in the desire to feel pleasure, sex is more likely to happen when both parties aren't so selfish. "Highly sexual couples aren't self-centered. It's not all about one person or the other," says Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and founder of TherapyDepartment.com. "These couples listen to what each other needs especially when it comes to sex. They are in-tune with each other's sexual arousal and they deliver."
3
THEY'RE COMFORTABLE IN THEIR SKIN.
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Having more sex can come down to loving yourself, all of yourself, before making love to someone else. "Those who feel comfortable with their bodies don't get hung up on how their bodies look, feel, or smell to one another," says Overstreet. "They feel at ease with one another which allows them to take advantage of every opportunity to be sexual."
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4
THEY TRUST EACH OTHER.
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One key trait that highly sexual couples have in common also contributes to successful marriage: trust. "You can't be a highly sexual couple and have trust issues," Overstreet explains. "Trust and intimacy are in tandem and you can't have one without the other. These couples have worked through any trust issues, so this is one less barrier to their intimacy."
5
THEY DON'T RELY ON BEING IN THE MOOD.
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Couples who get busy frequently don't rely on being "in the mood," because that might be something they rarely feel, especially when kids or a busy work schedule are in the picture. "If you're not in the mood, sometimes a little foreplay can get you there,"says Richmond. "This is especially true for women, for whom arousal often precedes desire."
6
THEY'RE EAGER TO HAVE FUN.
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Couples who've been together for a long time may feel the sexual spark beginning to fade, especially if their bedroom time turns into a predictable routine. "Sexual couples have fun. Sex doesn't have to be super sensual," says Richmond. "Sex can be fun and flirty. There can be laughter. Sometimes the natural way to have sex is funny and fun – give into that."
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7
THEY ADMIT WHAT TURNS THEM ON.
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No matter how many times you've had sex with your partner, it can sometimes be hard to voice what it is that turns you on, or even what you'd like more of. "One thing highly sexual couples do is during sex and physical intimacy, they are verbal and open. Well before sex, tell your partner something personal, something intimate about how you are feeling," recommends John Robinson, NMD, who specializes in sexual health and hormones. "It could be about anything. Just show that you are open. This starts the sexual communication immediately."
8
THEY HAVE SEX TO REKINDLE CONNECTION.
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Since relationships can fall stale, having frequent sex can bring back the sense of commitment and even the strong bond the two of you have built over time. "Highly sexual couples see sex as a way to simply connect, even if it is for a short while," says Robinson. "See what happens if you simply commit to having sex every day for a week, no matter what. No excuses, just do it, and see how that starts to improve your level of intimacy, your self-esteem, and your personal bond."
9
THEY'RE NOT OPPOSED TO QUICKIES.
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Finding time for sex may start to make the act of getting down and dirty with your partner something that feels like a chore. "Highly sexual couples take advantage of the 'quickie,'" says Richmond. "Sex doesn't have to be 20 or 30 minutes. A quickie can be very hot and passionate and can feel great."
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10
THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN SEX.
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Having a mutual love for getting it on isn't all that sexual couples have in common. "Sharing hobbies and interests—hiking, adventure, travel, and the like—helps to maintain long-term sexual passion," says Robert Weiss, LCSW, and author of several sex-focused books including Always Turned On. "Highly sexual couples also tend to share core values and belief systems. In a general way they tend to be on the same page with things like religion, politics, finances, education, and the like."
1
THEY EMBRACE IMPERFECTION.
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Life isn't perfect, and neither is sex. "Couples who have a lot of sex don't look for the perfect situation, like being on vacation when your kids are not with you. In daily life, work stress, family stress, and home stress of all kinds come into play," says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. "Couples who have a lot of sex take advantage of less than perfect moments."
2
THEY AREN'T ALWAYS SEXUALLY SELFISH.
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While it's easy to get lost in the desire to feel pleasure, sex is more likely to happen when both parties aren't so selfish. "Highly sexual couples aren't self-centered. It's not all about one person or the other," says Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and founder of TherapyDepartment.com. "These couples listen to what each other needs especially when it comes to sex. They are in-tune with each other's sexual arousal and they deliver."
3
THEY'RE COMFORTABLE IN THEIR SKIN.
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Having more sex can come down to loving yourself, all of yourself, before making love to someone else. "Those who feel comfortable with their bodies don't get hung up on how their bodies look, feel, or smell to one another," says Overstreet. "They feel at ease with one another which allows them to take advantage of every opportunity to be sexual."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
4
THEY TRUST EACH OTHER.
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One key trait that highly sexual couples have in common also contributes to successful marriage: trust. "You can't be a highly sexual couple and have trust issues," Overstreet explains. "Trust and intimacy are in tandem and you can't have one without the other. These couples have worked through any trust issues, so this is one less barrier to their intimacy."
5
THEY DON'T RELY ON BEING IN THE MOOD.
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Couples who get busy frequently don't rely on being "in the mood," because that might be something they rarely feel, especially when kids or a busy work schedule are in the picture. "If you're not in the mood, sometimes a little foreplay can get you there,"says Richmond. "This is especially true for women, for whom arousal often precedes desire."
6
THEY'RE EAGER TO HAVE FUN.
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Couples who've been together for a long time may feel the sexual spark beginning to fade, especially if their bedroom time turns into a predictable routine. "Sexual couples have fun. Sex doesn't have to be super sensual," says Richmond. "Sex can be fun and flirty. There can be laughter. Sometimes the natural way to have sex is funny and fun – give into that."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
7
THEY ADMIT WHAT TURNS THEM ON.
GETTY IMAGES
No matter how many times you've had sex with your partner, it can sometimes be hard to voice what it is that turns you on, or even what you'd like more of. "One thing highly sexual couples do is during sex and physical intimacy, they are verbal and open. Well before sex, tell your partner something personal, something intimate about how you are feeling," recommends John Robinson, NMD, who specializes in sexual health and hormones. "It could be about anything. Just show that you are open. This starts the sexual communication immediately."
8
THEY HAVE SEX TO REKINDLE CONNECTION.
GETTY IMAGES
Since relationships can fall stale, having frequent sex can bring back the sense of commitment and even the strong bond the two of you have built over time. "Highly sexual couples see sex as a way to simply connect, even if it is for a short while," says Robinson. "See what happens if you simply commit to having sex every day for a week, no matter what. No excuses, just do it, and see how that starts to improve your level of intimacy, your self-esteem, and your personal bond."
9
THEY'RE NOT OPPOSED TO QUICKIES.
GETTY IMAGES
Finding time for sex may start to make the act of getting down and dirty with your partner something that feels like a chore. "Highly sexual couples take advantage of the 'quickie,'" says Richmond. "Sex doesn't have to be 20 or 30 minutes. A quickie can be very hot and passionate and can feel great."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
10
THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN SEX.
GETTY IMAGES
Having a mutual love for getting it on isn't all that sexual couples have in common. "Sharing hobbies and interests—hiking, adventure, travel, and the like—helps to maintain long-term sexual passion," says Robert Weiss, LCSW, and author of several sex-focused books including Always Turned On. "Highly sexual couples also tend to share core values and belief systems. In a general way they tend to be on the same page with things like religion, politics, finances, education, and the like."
Cosmo's 50 Best Sex Tips Ever
Cosmo has been educating and empowering women for half a century, and our sex tips remain as fun, raunchy, and useful as ever. "There is still so much women don't know about their bodies and turn-ons," says ob-gyn Jennifer Ashton, MD. "Whether it's giving medical information or sharing new ways to get your freak on, Cosmo's led the way for women to embrace their sexuality and been a judgment-free zone." Sure, we've doled out some silly, even infamous advice, but way before it was in fashion, we were unashamed to present women's sexual enjoyment as something worth standing up for. So let's toast to that, and to you: May we continue to help ladies break bed frames for another 50 years.
1. Real talk: Roughly 70 percent of women need more clitoral stimulation to O during sex — so reach down and touch yourself during the deed! You feel in control of your O, and he's super turned on. Win-win.
2. For a twist on missionary, lie on your back, and lift your legs up and over to one side as he enters you. Raising your legs makes you supertight, and the angle of your hips means he'll hit spots that rarely get TLC.
3. Get him to skip the in-and-out thrusts and, uh, stir with his penis instead. He'll stimulate every inch of you (motion of the ocean and all that…).
4. Sit on the edge of the washing machine, and wrap your legs around his waist as he enters you. Helpful hint: The cotton cycle provides the strongest vibrations.
5. In reverse-cowgirl, lean back (instead of forward toward his feet). It's a primo G-spot angle for you and the illusion of a Kardashi-ass for him.
6. The no. 1 rule for a great blow job: Use your mouth (obvs!) and your hands. Take the head in your mouth, and lick and swirl like you would a soft-serve cone. Mean while, use your hands to grip, squeeze, and stroke the length of his penis. Don't keep up the same motion — variety of sensation is key!
7. Instead of pleasing each other simultaneously during 69 (so hard to focus!), take turns. One person goes to town, while the other groans and moans about how good it feels.
8. While he's giving you oral, have him insert a finger or two and stroke your G-spot with a come-hither motion. Internal and external stimulation boosts your orgasm chances.
9. Lube up! (Both you and your partner, before and/or during The Naughty.) Almost 50 percent of women say lube makes it easier to orgasm. And forget the myth that it's only for older women — all the cool kids are doing it!
10. If you have no clue whether your partner's dirty-talk meter is set to "a little naughty" or "downright filthy," do a sneaky little test. Ask, "What would you like me to do to you? Details, please." And see what words he uses and how risqué he's willing to get. Then follow his lead.
11. Usually get oral with your legs spread? Intensify your O by stretching your legs straight out, stimulating the pelvic muscles you use to climax. It's a crazy-good new sensation.
12. Gently hold his face still, tell him to stop moving, and let him simply receive your kisses for a minute. That way, whether you like it slow or hot and heavy, he'll know how to kiss you back.
13. Vintage Cosmo Tip, June 1972: "All women should try for a little more variety … a little more shock value. put on a wig. or greet your man at the door with a martini in your hand and nothing on but high heels."
Our 2015 road test: Naked except for black Manolos and a long blonde wig very unlike my curly brown hair, I was already three "test" martinis deep when I wobbled to the door and greeted R.M.P. (Reluctant Male Participant, aka my boyfriend of almost two years). First, he seemed surprised, then slightly scared. But with some R-rated coaxing, I could tell he was getting into it. After we had sex, he gave me puppy-dog eyes. "Can you take that wig off now?" "Nooo, this girl is fun, I like this girl!" I replied. Did I mention I'd had three martinis? "Wasn't it hot cheating on your girlfriend with a blonde?" I asked. He shrugged and shook his head: "I missed my girlfriend." Then we ordered burgers, and I kept my wig on while I ate mine.
14. Just started dating? Set the precedent and make sure you come first. Women often focus on their guy's orgasm and treat themselves as an afterthought. Since we're all creatures of habit, doing the reverse pays off in the long run.
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15. Ask him to trace his tongue over your thin-skinned spots: wrists, inner knees, behind your ears. It'll make you shiver.
16. While standing with your back against his chest, have him reach around and touch you so all you can see are his hands all over you — totally sexy.
17. Wrap your fingers in an "O" shape around the base of his shaft, and move them in tandem with your mouth. Use lots of saliva to ease the movement, and he won't be able to tell where your mouth ends and your hand begins. Gently cup his balls with your other hand and you're golden.
18. Try the "commercial sex" game. Start getting it on during the commercials of your favorite show, then untangle as soon as the show comes back. Sexy show? Copy their moves. As you graduate from makeouts to oral to intercourse (and back?), the teasing will be out of control.
19. Keep your dress on or just push your underwear aside to have sex. The immediacy of keeping clothes on is hot — like you can't wait to have each other.
20. The hole at the tip of his penis is called the meatus, which is the worst name given to anything, ever. (Meatus!) But it's sensitive during arousal. With your tongue, apply medium pressure on and off. He'll be shocked it feels so good!
21. When you're close to climaxing, tighten and relax like you're Kegeling. This alone can sometimes trigger an O (and it feels amazing for a guy too).
22. The shower is made for the quickie. The ideal position for you is bent over, aiming the showerhead at your hot spot while he's doing his thing from behind. No removable showerhead? Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you some digital pleasure.
23. Create a secret code that translates to sexytimes. Maybe "get me a dirty martini" means "let's blow this joint … and then each other."
24. Remind yourself how much you turn him on. Seeing his face as he's lost in ecstasy — and realizing you're making it happen — can be the push you need to cross the finish line.
25. Touch yourself — beneath your bath jets, while watching Scandal, whatever works for you — to get to know what sensations do it for you. Are you into counterclockwise clitoral strokes? Nipple stimulation? Find out—then bring your favorite moves to your next sex session.
26. Advanced blow-job move: Twist your hand as you move your mouth up and down his shaft like you're tracing the grooves of a corkscrew, and slide it over his tip each time you get to it. He'll worship you.
27. Want more oral and less jackhammer but can't seem to say so? Start out with a sext. Type "I can't stop thinking about your mouth on me tonight," throw in a kiss emoji, and hit Send. The message will be received.
28. Bring a bullet vibrator to bed. The Rabbit gets all the glory, but using a bullet vibe on your clit during doggy is a total game changer.
29. While pleasuring him with your mouth, bring his hand down to touch you. Cover his fingers with yours so you can make sure his touches are exactly what you need to climax. It'll arouse him even more to see you taking control of his movements.
30. Lead with a compliment ("I love the way you…") before suggesting a new move ("it would turn me on so much if you used your fingers like this…").
31. Turn up the tease factor by letting him enter you for a hot second, then going straight back into your foreplay of choice. Think of it as giving him a taste of the main course during cocktail hour. It'll leave him hungry — no, salivating — for more.
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32. Get sex on the brain by reading a steamy book before a date. You'll feel more sensual during the deed as you visualize a hot story line. And he never has to know!
33. Have your guy scribble down a "menu" of the top three moves that drive him crazy, and you do the same. Then swap lists, and take turns serving up the goods à la carte!
34. Perfect your striptease. Stage an entrance from another room, take a sensual walk around him, and slowly shed a slip to reveal a corset. (Or a thong and nipple tassels! Whatever's your jam.) By the time you finally straddle him, you'll both be raring to go. P.S. Leave on your heels for extra sass.
35. Switching hot and cold sensations feels amazing for him during oral. If you're not into the ol' ice-cube-in-the-cheek trick, try alternating oral with drinking something cold or warm. Even easier: Lightly blow air over him after having had him in your mouth.
36. Vintage Cosmo Tip, March 1989: "Unleash your imagination: you might drive down to the local lovers' lane like teenagers or swap houses with a friend and make love in her bedroom."
Our 2015 road test: We didn't go to lovers' lane because where even is that, but non-bedroom sex is one of those things I always mean to do but never get around to. I finally got around to it — although we kept it low-key and only ventured as far as the desk. Funny thing about adulthood: Spontaneous desk sex is hot, but clearing the desk beforehand in order to avoid any postcoital broken tchotchkes or destroyed tea rose arrangements is not. Ditto when R.M.P. paused the action to put a pillow under my back. Ultimately, the desk lends itself best to doggy-style — but R.M.P. and I did thoroughly enjoy giving the bed a break.
37. A great gizmo for scoring some dual pleasure? A vibrating penis ring. Your guy will enjoy a soft vibration on his shaft while you get bonus targeted clitoral stimulation with each of his thrusts. It also helps guys achieve fuller, harder erections.
38. Long-distance? Send him a care package for his … package. Fill a box with some sexy new lingerie, lube, and maybe a sex toy, and send it to his front door with this note: "We'll need this on my next visit."
39. Not being "allowed" to make any noise during sex can be a huge turn-on, especially when something feels so good, you just want to express it! Try this for a spin: Stuff your thong or his tie into his mouth, then do dirty, dirty things to him until he's digging his nails into his palms to keep from ripping that gag out.
40. A great couple habit to get into is to kiss every day — for more than just a couple of seconds. It wards off the perilous roommate effect, especially if you live together and lately have been spending more time doing chores together than checking each other out.
41. Getting busy in a public place is a huge risk, thereby doubling the wattage of your hot rendezvous. Your best bet to pulling it off is to keep your clothes on (wear a skirt and no undies for easier access) and do it in a place where you'll hear someone coming, like in the middle of a stairwell — the footsteps on the stairs will tip you off that it's time to get moving before you get caught.
42. The cherry on top when it comes to an amazing BJ? Eye contact. Give a wink or some smize action, and he'll be putty in your … mouth.
43. Put a pillow or two under your butt to elevate your hips during missionary sex — and up the odds of his hitting your G-spot. This will change your life, we swear.
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44. For ladies only: Have your partner lie on her side, propping herself up on her elbow, and straddle one of her legs so your clits rub together, all the while making eye contact. Grind on. Scissoring's a classic for a reason.
46. Vintage Cosmo Tip, October 2002: "Check your inhibitions at the door, and watch each other while touching yourselves."
Our 2015 road test: Now that R.M.P. and I have been banging on the regs for a while, like many long-term couples, our orgasms are pretty wham-bam-let's-watch-Netflix. We rarely take the time to stop and smell the sex roses, and thanks to the logistics of our favorite respective positions, we rarely see each other's O faces. Sitting on opposite edges of the bed, me with my fave bullet vibe, him with just his hand, felt pretty voyeuristic — in a hot way — and I definitely felt closer to him afterward.
45. Lest we (and he) forget, the clitoris extends down our labia in the shape of a wishbone. So he should lick or stroke the labia — not just the clit — while he's down there. Hell-O!
47. After a shower, get him to take you from behind while you're leaning over the bathroom sink and looking at your hot, wet self in the fogged-up mirror. You'll get a front-row view to all the seriously hot action and none of the stress of filming it. Nice!
48. Ask him first, but if he gives you the green light, hold a small vibrator against the underside of his shaft or on his perineum — that's the super nerve-packed area that lies between his balls and his butt — while you're going down on him. Start the action off with your vibe's lowest setting and then slowly increase the intensity as his arousal grows.
49. Rotate from girl-on-top position into reverse-cowgirl (take your time — you'll avoid any crazy mishaps, plus a slo-mo approach just looks that much sexier). Not only are you hitting a series of new hot spots for both of you with each different angle, but he'll dig the 360-degree view of your gorgeous bod.
50. Bored of the same old sexts? Been there. Try keeping it simple. The hottest possible text you can send: "I need you now."
A version of this story was published as "Cosmo's 50 Best Sex Tips Ever" in the November issue of Cosmopolitan. Pick up the November 2015 issue on newsstands or click here to subscribe to the digital edition!
1. Real talk: Roughly 70 percent of women need more clitoral stimulation to O during sex — so reach down and touch yourself during the deed! You feel in control of your O, and he's super turned on. Win-win.
2. For a twist on missionary, lie on your back, and lift your legs up and over to one side as he enters you. Raising your legs makes you supertight, and the angle of your hips means he'll hit spots that rarely get TLC.
3. Get him to skip the in-and-out thrusts and, uh, stir with his penis instead. He'll stimulate every inch of you (motion of the ocean and all that…).
4. Sit on the edge of the washing machine, and wrap your legs around his waist as he enters you. Helpful hint: The cotton cycle provides the strongest vibrations.
5. In reverse-cowgirl, lean back (instead of forward toward his feet). It's a primo G-spot angle for you and the illusion of a Kardashi-ass for him.
6. The no. 1 rule for a great blow job: Use your mouth (obvs!) and your hands. Take the head in your mouth, and lick and swirl like you would a soft-serve cone. Mean while, use your hands to grip, squeeze, and stroke the length of his penis. Don't keep up the same motion — variety of sensation is key!
7. Instead of pleasing each other simultaneously during 69 (so hard to focus!), take turns. One person goes to town, while the other groans and moans about how good it feels.
8. While he's giving you oral, have him insert a finger or two and stroke your G-spot with a come-hither motion. Internal and external stimulation boosts your orgasm chances.
9. Lube up! (Both you and your partner, before and/or during The Naughty.) Almost 50 percent of women say lube makes it easier to orgasm. And forget the myth that it's only for older women — all the cool kids are doing it!
10. If you have no clue whether your partner's dirty-talk meter is set to "a little naughty" or "downright filthy," do a sneaky little test. Ask, "What would you like me to do to you? Details, please." And see what words he uses and how risqué he's willing to get. Then follow his lead.
11. Usually get oral with your legs spread? Intensify your O by stretching your legs straight out, stimulating the pelvic muscles you use to climax. It's a crazy-good new sensation.
12. Gently hold his face still, tell him to stop moving, and let him simply receive your kisses for a minute. That way, whether you like it slow or hot and heavy, he'll know how to kiss you back.
13. Vintage Cosmo Tip, June 1972: "All women should try for a little more variety … a little more shock value. put on a wig. or greet your man at the door with a martini in your hand and nothing on but high heels."
Our 2015 road test: Naked except for black Manolos and a long blonde wig very unlike my curly brown hair, I was already three "test" martinis deep when I wobbled to the door and greeted R.M.P. (Reluctant Male Participant, aka my boyfriend of almost two years). First, he seemed surprised, then slightly scared. But with some R-rated coaxing, I could tell he was getting into it. After we had sex, he gave me puppy-dog eyes. "Can you take that wig off now?" "Nooo, this girl is fun, I like this girl!" I replied. Did I mention I'd had three martinis? "Wasn't it hot cheating on your girlfriend with a blonde?" I asked. He shrugged and shook his head: "I missed my girlfriend." Then we ordered burgers, and I kept my wig on while I ate mine.
14. Just started dating? Set the precedent and make sure you come first. Women often focus on their guy's orgasm and treat themselves as an afterthought. Since we're all creatures of habit, doing the reverse pays off in the long run.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
15. Ask him to trace his tongue over your thin-skinned spots: wrists, inner knees, behind your ears. It'll make you shiver.
16. While standing with your back against his chest, have him reach around and touch you so all you can see are his hands all over you — totally sexy.
17. Wrap your fingers in an "O" shape around the base of his shaft, and move them in tandem with your mouth. Use lots of saliva to ease the movement, and he won't be able to tell where your mouth ends and your hand begins. Gently cup his balls with your other hand and you're golden.
18. Try the "commercial sex" game. Start getting it on during the commercials of your favorite show, then untangle as soon as the show comes back. Sexy show? Copy their moves. As you graduate from makeouts to oral to intercourse (and back?), the teasing will be out of control.
19. Keep your dress on or just push your underwear aside to have sex. The immediacy of keeping clothes on is hot — like you can't wait to have each other.
20. The hole at the tip of his penis is called the meatus, which is the worst name given to anything, ever. (Meatus!) But it's sensitive during arousal. With your tongue, apply medium pressure on and off. He'll be shocked it feels so good!
21. When you're close to climaxing, tighten and relax like you're Kegeling. This alone can sometimes trigger an O (and it feels amazing for a guy too).
22. The shower is made for the quickie. The ideal position for you is bent over, aiming the showerhead at your hot spot while he's doing his thing from behind. No removable showerhead? Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you some digital pleasure.
23. Create a secret code that translates to sexytimes. Maybe "get me a dirty martini" means "let's blow this joint … and then each other."
24. Remind yourself how much you turn him on. Seeing his face as he's lost in ecstasy — and realizing you're making it happen — can be the push you need to cross the finish line.
25. Touch yourself — beneath your bath jets, while watching Scandal, whatever works for you — to get to know what sensations do it for you. Are you into counterclockwise clitoral strokes? Nipple stimulation? Find out—then bring your favorite moves to your next sex session.
26. Advanced blow-job move: Twist your hand as you move your mouth up and down his shaft like you're tracing the grooves of a corkscrew, and slide it over his tip each time you get to it. He'll worship you.
27. Want more oral and less jackhammer but can't seem to say so? Start out with a sext. Type "I can't stop thinking about your mouth on me tonight," throw in a kiss emoji, and hit Send. The message will be received.
28. Bring a bullet vibrator to bed. The Rabbit gets all the glory, but using a bullet vibe on your clit during doggy is a total game changer.
29. While pleasuring him with your mouth, bring his hand down to touch you. Cover his fingers with yours so you can make sure his touches are exactly what you need to climax. It'll arouse him even more to see you taking control of his movements.
30. Lead with a compliment ("I love the way you…") before suggesting a new move ("it would turn me on so much if you used your fingers like this…").
31. Turn up the tease factor by letting him enter you for a hot second, then going straight back into your foreplay of choice. Think of it as giving him a taste of the main course during cocktail hour. It'll leave him hungry — no, salivating — for more.
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32. Get sex on the brain by reading a steamy book before a date. You'll feel more sensual during the deed as you visualize a hot story line. And he never has to know!
33. Have your guy scribble down a "menu" of the top three moves that drive him crazy, and you do the same. Then swap lists, and take turns serving up the goods à la carte!
34. Perfect your striptease. Stage an entrance from another room, take a sensual walk around him, and slowly shed a slip to reveal a corset. (Or a thong and nipple tassels! Whatever's your jam.) By the time you finally straddle him, you'll both be raring to go. P.S. Leave on your heels for extra sass.
35. Switching hot and cold sensations feels amazing for him during oral. If you're not into the ol' ice-cube-in-the-cheek trick, try alternating oral with drinking something cold or warm. Even easier: Lightly blow air over him after having had him in your mouth.
36. Vintage Cosmo Tip, March 1989: "Unleash your imagination: you might drive down to the local lovers' lane like teenagers or swap houses with a friend and make love in her bedroom."
Our 2015 road test: We didn't go to lovers' lane because where even is that, but non-bedroom sex is one of those things I always mean to do but never get around to. I finally got around to it — although we kept it low-key and only ventured as far as the desk. Funny thing about adulthood: Spontaneous desk sex is hot, but clearing the desk beforehand in order to avoid any postcoital broken tchotchkes or destroyed tea rose arrangements is not. Ditto when R.M.P. paused the action to put a pillow under my back. Ultimately, the desk lends itself best to doggy-style — but R.M.P. and I did thoroughly enjoy giving the bed a break.
37. A great gizmo for scoring some dual pleasure? A vibrating penis ring. Your guy will enjoy a soft vibration on his shaft while you get bonus targeted clitoral stimulation with each of his thrusts. It also helps guys achieve fuller, harder erections.
38. Long-distance? Send him a care package for his … package. Fill a box with some sexy new lingerie, lube, and maybe a sex toy, and send it to his front door with this note: "We'll need this on my next visit."
39. Not being "allowed" to make any noise during sex can be a huge turn-on, especially when something feels so good, you just want to express it! Try this for a spin: Stuff your thong or his tie into his mouth, then do dirty, dirty things to him until he's digging his nails into his palms to keep from ripping that gag out.
40. A great couple habit to get into is to kiss every day — for more than just a couple of seconds. It wards off the perilous roommate effect, especially if you live together and lately have been spending more time doing chores together than checking each other out.
41. Getting busy in a public place is a huge risk, thereby doubling the wattage of your hot rendezvous. Your best bet to pulling it off is to keep your clothes on (wear a skirt and no undies for easier access) and do it in a place where you'll hear someone coming, like in the middle of a stairwell — the footsteps on the stairs will tip you off that it's time to get moving before you get caught.
42. The cherry on top when it comes to an amazing BJ? Eye contact. Give a wink or some smize action, and he'll be putty in your … mouth.
43. Put a pillow or two under your butt to elevate your hips during missionary sex — and up the odds of his hitting your G-spot. This will change your life, we swear.
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44. For ladies only: Have your partner lie on her side, propping herself up on her elbow, and straddle one of her legs so your clits rub together, all the while making eye contact. Grind on. Scissoring's a classic for a reason.
46. Vintage Cosmo Tip, October 2002: "Check your inhibitions at the door, and watch each other while touching yourselves."
Our 2015 road test: Now that R.M.P. and I have been banging on the regs for a while, like many long-term couples, our orgasms are pretty wham-bam-let's-watch-Netflix. We rarely take the time to stop and smell the sex roses, and thanks to the logistics of our favorite respective positions, we rarely see each other's O faces. Sitting on opposite edges of the bed, me with my fave bullet vibe, him with just his hand, felt pretty voyeuristic — in a hot way — and I definitely felt closer to him afterward.
45. Lest we (and he) forget, the clitoris extends down our labia in the shape of a wishbone. So he should lick or stroke the labia — not just the clit — while he's down there. Hell-O!
47. After a shower, get him to take you from behind while you're leaning over the bathroom sink and looking at your hot, wet self in the fogged-up mirror. You'll get a front-row view to all the seriously hot action and none of the stress of filming it. Nice!
48. Ask him first, but if he gives you the green light, hold a small vibrator against the underside of his shaft or on his perineum — that's the super nerve-packed area that lies between his balls and his butt — while you're going down on him. Start the action off with your vibe's lowest setting and then slowly increase the intensity as his arousal grows.
49. Rotate from girl-on-top position into reverse-cowgirl (take your time — you'll avoid any crazy mishaps, plus a slo-mo approach just looks that much sexier). Not only are you hitting a series of new hot spots for both of you with each different angle, but he'll dig the 360-degree view of your gorgeous bod.
50. Bored of the same old sexts? Been there. Try keeping it simple. The hottest possible text you can send: "I need you now."
A version of this story was published as "Cosmo's 50 Best Sex Tips Ever" in the November issue of Cosmopolitan. Pick up the November 2015 issue on newsstands or click here to subscribe to the digital edition!
These Cake Messages Are Wrong In So Many Ways
Whether you’re celebrating a birthday, graduation, or some other type of special event in life, there’s a good chance a cake will be involved. For some reason, we have chosen cakes to be the go-to dessert for parties. While shows like Cupcake Wars and Ace of Cakes would have us believe the delicious dessert is the crowning moment of any party, the opposite can also be true.
These people presented their family, friends, and co-workers with some of the worst cake creations we have ever seen. Some are funny, some are weird, and others will just straight up give you nightmares. You won’t believe some of these cakes were actually real.
Perhaps English Class Should Continue
cake-fails_2112309090.jpg
If you’re going to request a cake to celebrate the end of the school year, perhaps it would be best to double, triple, and quadruple check any spelling you are including on the dessert. In all fairness, this person didn’t say they were celebrating good grades in English class.
School may be out for the summer but it’s time for this cake decorator to apply for summer school. This is a good reminder that you need to double-check what you bring home for the big party. Here’s to hoping they didn’t invite their English teacher to their end-of-year celebration.
These people presented their family, friends, and co-workers with some of the worst cake creations we have ever seen. Some are funny, some are weird, and others will just straight up give you nightmares. You won’t believe some of these cakes were actually real.
Perhaps English Class Should Continue
cake-fails_2112309090.jpg
If you’re going to request a cake to celebrate the end of the school year, perhaps it would be best to double, triple, and quadruple check any spelling you are including on the dessert. In all fairness, this person didn’t say they were celebrating good grades in English class.
School may be out for the summer but it’s time for this cake decorator to apply for summer school. This is a good reminder that you need to double-check what you bring home for the big party. Here’s to hoping they didn’t invite their English teacher to their end-of-year celebration.
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