I haven't had sex in over a year, and the trek through my personal Mojave Desert has been both enlightening and frustrating (for obvious reasons).
Why the self-induced dry spell? It all started in late 2015, when a hot guy in one of my friend's Instagrams made me stop mid-scroll. After some double taps on his page, he let me know the interest was mutual by sliding into my DMs. And much to my simultaneous delight and surprise, there was actual substance in our conversations. It didn't take long before the DMs turned to texts and the texts turned to phone calls every single day. I had a serious case of OMG-am-I-about-to-be-in-a-relationship giddiness. But that didn't last long. Amid entering we-are-but-we-aren't territory, I learned that he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. Instead of making peace with that and letting it go, I acted like I was fine with his disclaimer because the chemistry between us was too strong to ignore (and, let's be real, I was in denial).
Clearly, things were a pretty healthy start.
I kept trying to tell myself that I was cool with having sex with a guy who didn't want to be my boyfriend. I was cool with knowing that he was talking to other girls. I was cool with the fact that it was just sex and nothing else, because as R. Kelly said, there's nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. Except none of that was true and R. Kelly should never be someone you turn to for advice on anything, ever.
Our generation tends to look at sex as a means-to-an-end instead of a privilege.
I couldn't hold up the façade with our situation for long, though, and my DM Casanova became the catalyst for making a much deeper lifestyle change. I was tired of playing out the same scenario with different guys, so after coming to terms with the fact that I wanted something he wasn't willing to give me, we turned our situationship into a platonic friendship, and I started doing some inward digging to figure out why I was always engaging in behavior that never aligned with what I wanted.
Whether it was my first boyfriend cheating on me because I was scared to ditch my V-card or the mere fact that our generation tends to look at sex as a means-to-an-end instead of a privilege, I was somehow made to believe that having sex was necessary to make a guy like me — and if I didn't do it, then poof, he was going to disappear and it'd be my fault. Sad!
So, in an effort to alter that mindset, I decided I was going to abstain from casual sex. I told myself I wouldn't give it up until the guy I was talking to made me feel like the goddess I am. No more worrying about other women, because the right guy will make it clear that I'm all he sees. Boom. The trouble is: finding that guy and ending my dry spell might take longer than I thought.
I was so hyped those first few months, because I felt like I was finally reclaiming my power and no one could tear me down. But when I surpassed the six-month mark, the initial surge of self-empowerment began to fade, and I found myself doubting the whole experiment and wanting to throw in the towel. The little horny devil on my shoulder would say things like, "Does this really matter? Get some, girl!" And in all honesty, I was starting to get pissed, because all I kept coming across were what I like to call "sometimey" guys — the I'm-only-in-it-when-I-want-to-be-in-it guys. That's frustrating enough on its own, without adding the fact that I had to fight overwhelming sexual urges just to prove a point to myself.
I had to fight overwhelming sexual urges just to prove a point to myself.
Meanwhile, some of my friends made the idea of quitting this journey that much harder to ignore. Because I'm the token single friend, some of my girlfriends loved living vicariously through me, so my decision to willingly give up "wild sex with strangers" was almost like putting them on lockdown, too. "Ugh, Bruna, it's just sex, stop thinking so much!" they'd tell me. I wondered if they were right.
Then I'd have the maybe-joking-but-probably-serious sexual invitations from some of my oh-so-generous guy friends and former flings to put me out of my self-induced misery with a casual hook up. Temptation was at an all-time high, to say the least. But ultimately, I never gave in. I was going to power through, because I owed it to myself, and it didn't matter if anyone understood why I was doing this or not.
After that hump (pun intended), the hormones settled down a bit (or they just gave up). My urges came to a simmer, and I found myself approaching the one-year mark — and I'm still going. I know that going a week without getting laid may seem like cruel and unusual punishment for some, and although a year of no sexual intimacy whatsoever has been tough, it's not that difficult for me. My sex life wasn't off-the-charts to begin with, so it wasn't like I was dodging D everywhere I turned. I went on dates as usual, but nothing really panned out.
The author.
Still, I find myself having mixed feelings about the entire experience. There was a hint of sadness at the realization that I've gone a year without coming across a man I liked who was also willing to invest in me. Why was that? Was it the men I was choosing or was it a consequence of having an old-school approach in a time where people don't value basic dating principles anymore? I can't say. All I know is keeping the proverbial chastity belt on lockdown didn't become the secret trick to get a guy to drop his roster and make me his MVP. But I'm OK with that, because that was never the motive to begin with.
This experience was like giving myself some tough love. And as frustrating (sexually and otherwise) as that lesson was, it was necessary. I did this experiment to help trash the mentality of having to throw sex at a man to keep his interest, and to remind myself that I am worth loving without having to spread my legs first. I stuck to my guns, and for that reason alone, the disappointment was overshadowed with immense pride. I wanted to stop putting myself in scenarios that made me feel disposable, and I did. I wanted to wait for the man who would bet on me, and I still am, because I know what I bring to the table.
2018年7月31日星期二
This Is How Many Times You Have to Have Sex to Make a Baby
Making a baby is serious business. While some couples seem to get pregnant on the first attempt, others can spend what feels like forever trying. But there's an actual number of times it takes a couple to get pregnant, according to a new survey.
On average, couples have sex 78 times from the time they decide to start trying to the time they get a positive sign on a pregnancy test. Those 78 times are spread over 158 days, or about 6 months.
ChannelMum.com, a parenting site, surveyed 1,194 parents, and found that most couples have sex 13 times per month when trying to conceive. Although this may sound like 13 times the fun, there are certain anxieties that come with trying to become parents. Eighteen percent of men and women said that sex while trying to conceive sometimes felt like a chore. Another 43 percent felt pressure to conceive and a fear that they wouldn't be able to.
"While trying to conceive can be fun, it is also hard work, stressful, and not every couple is lucky enough to get conceive, so while you're focused on the baby, try to remember about each other too," Siobhan Freegard, founder of ChannelMum.com said.
Some people think conception depends on your position. ChannelMum.com found that the most popular position is missionary (used by three-quarters of couples) followed by doggy style (used by 36 percent of couples). Other couples think pregnancy happens based on a woman's cycle, with half of women trying to time sex to fertile days, and 39 percent improving their diet and taking extra vitamins.
Once you make up your mind to start a family, waiting for your body to catch up can be frustrating. Luckily, there's lots of advice out there — and some of it might even make trying more fun.
On average, couples have sex 78 times from the time they decide to start trying to the time they get a positive sign on a pregnancy test. Those 78 times are spread over 158 days, or about 6 months.
ChannelMum.com, a parenting site, surveyed 1,194 parents, and found that most couples have sex 13 times per month when trying to conceive. Although this may sound like 13 times the fun, there are certain anxieties that come with trying to become parents. Eighteen percent of men and women said that sex while trying to conceive sometimes felt like a chore. Another 43 percent felt pressure to conceive and a fear that they wouldn't be able to.
"While trying to conceive can be fun, it is also hard work, stressful, and not every couple is lucky enough to get conceive, so while you're focused on the baby, try to remember about each other too," Siobhan Freegard, founder of ChannelMum.com said.
Some people think conception depends on your position. ChannelMum.com found that the most popular position is missionary (used by three-quarters of couples) followed by doggy style (used by 36 percent of couples). Other couples think pregnancy happens based on a woman's cycle, with half of women trying to time sex to fertile days, and 39 percent improving their diet and taking extra vitamins.
Once you make up your mind to start a family, waiting for your body to catch up can be frustrating. Luckily, there's lots of advice out there — and some of it might even make trying more fun.
10 of the Best Running Shoes for Women
Before you hit the pavement for your next workout, it's important to invest time in finding a pair of high-quality, perfectly-fit-for-you running shoes. In fact, researchers from Loyola University Medical Center concluded that the majority of injuries that have been reported by marathon runners — including blisters, toenail injuries, plantar fasciitis (heel pain), foot stress fractures, and sprained ankles — were related to improper shoes, along with improper socks and training. So do your feet a favor and check out a few tips on choosing the right shoes for your next jog, race, or long-distance run.
FOCUS ON FUNCTION, NOT FASHION
GETTY IMAGES
As much as we enjoy wearing trendy shoes that come in an array of stylish colors, choosing running sneakers should be based on need, not want. "It's extremely important because the best shoe for you might be the one that is the least appealing to you aesthetically," says Tom Holland, MS, CSCS, exercise physiologist, founder of Team Holland, and author of Swim, Bike Run—Eat.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
GET FITTED BY A PRO
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
Even though you may ultimately purchase your running shoes online, you may want to try on a few pair in the "right" type of shop. "Don't buy running shoes from a store that also sells tents, baseball bats, and beverage coolers," explains Holland. "Go to a specialty running store that is staffed by runners, where they will ask you a myriad of questions, examine the wear pattern on your current shoes, and often do a gait analysis test on a treadmill right in the store."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SHOP THE PROPER WAY
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
The study authors from Loyola University also noted that the ideal time of day to head to the store is late in the day, since your feet will have naturally expanded after hours of being on them. And when you get fitted for sneakers, be sure to wear your typical running socks, as well as orthotics.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
PRICIER DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN BETTER
GETTY IMAGES
While the old adage "you get what you pay for" does hold some truth in certain situations, it's not an appropriate quote when it comes to buying running shoes. "In fact, less expensive might just be better for you," states Holland, who's run in over 60 marathons and ultra-marathons around the world. He refers to research which found that low- to mid-priced shoes cushioned runners' feet just as well — if not better — than higher-priced sneakers of the same brand. "And another study, one that analyzed 134,867 reviews of 391 running shoes from 24 brands, concluded that 'there is no statistical correlation between the list price of a shoe and how well rated it is.'"
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
THERE'S NO NUMBER ONE RUNNING SNEAKER
GETTY IMAGES
"A common question people ask is, 'Which brand or model of running shoe is the best?'" states Holland. "But there isn't one. The best sneaker is the one that best correlates with your specific biomechanics, including your weekly mileage, goals, arch type, foot width, weight, primary running surface (treadmill, road, trail), whether you pronate or supinate, to name a few features."
Here are some of the most popular and highly-rated running shoes:
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SALOMON XR MISSION
SALOMON
These are one of the most popular running shoes on Amazon for a reason: They're designed for both pavement and trails, offer lots of traction, and have plenty of toe room.
BUY NOW Starting at $80, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
BROOKS GHOST 10 NEUTRAL CUSHIONED
BROOKS
The Runner's World's "Editor's Choice" award winner for 2017, these shoes provide tons of arch support and are known for their comfort, especially for those who suffer from arthritis or bunions.
BUY NOW Starting at $117, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SAUCONY STABIL CS3
SAUCONY
A brand that has spent years studying the biomechanics of top athletes and relies on everyday runners to test and rate its products, this Saucony sneaker is known for its PowerGrid midsole cushioning and Support Frame Heel counter, making it a popular choice for those who deal with pronation problems (when the feet excessive roll inward upon landing), which can lead to injuries, such as shin splints, bunions, and plantar fasciitis.
BUY NOW $130, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NEW BALANCE FRESH FOAM ZANTE V3
NEW BALANCE
Designed for running at high speeds, the "bootie" construction of this award-winning sneaker helps provide a snug fit. Plus, the aggressive toe spring and rubber outsole ensures a quick transition.
BUY NOW Starting at $110, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NIKE AIR ZOOM PEGASUS
NIKE
The engineered mesh allows for breathability, so this ultralight shoe — which is cushioned in the midsole and offers flex grooves for natural range of motion — does not need time to get that "just right" feel.
BUY NOW Starting at $45, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ADIDAS PURE BOOST X
ADIDAS
The sock-like design gives these training sneakers a snug fit, and a gap in the overlay at the arch supports the natural movement of your foot. (And it comes in lots of bright colorful combinations, too!)
BUY NOW Starting at $69, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL FORTITUDE 7
ASICS
While this shoe was designed with technology to enhance the foot's natural gait from heel strike to toe-off, an even bigger selling point is that it can support runners with larger builds, as well as those who require orthotics.
BUY NOW Starting at $56, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
UNDER ARMOUR CHARGED BANDIT 2
UNDER ARMOUR
This breathable, seamless, and stretchable sneaker is known for its two-piece Charged Cushioning midsole, which is firmer below the heel and softer below the forefoot, offering both comfort and support. Also, its "unique tongue" further enhances a solid fit.
BUY NOW Starting at $50, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
REEBOK OSR HARMONY ROAD
REEBOK
Named the 2017 Runner's World Best Debut for its performance-driven design and innovative KooshRide core technology, the tri-zone midsole of this sneaker also delivers shock absorption in the heel. The long-lasting cushion makes it a winner for long distance runners.
BUY NOW Starting at $42, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL-VENTURE 5
Asics GEL-Venture 5 Running Shoe
ASICS
Amazon reviewers loved this shoe because it offers serious support — whether you're hitting the track or are just going to be on your feet all day. Others reviews mentioned that these shoes have a comfortable amount of toe space.
BUY NOW Starting at $48, amazon.com
FOCUS ON FUNCTION, NOT FASHION
GETTY IMAGES
As much as we enjoy wearing trendy shoes that come in an array of stylish colors, choosing running sneakers should be based on need, not want. "It's extremely important because the best shoe for you might be the one that is the least appealing to you aesthetically," says Tom Holland, MS, CSCS, exercise physiologist, founder of Team Holland, and author of Swim, Bike Run—Eat.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
GET FITTED BY A PRO
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
Even though you may ultimately purchase your running shoes online, you may want to try on a few pair in the "right" type of shop. "Don't buy running shoes from a store that also sells tents, baseball bats, and beverage coolers," explains Holland. "Go to a specialty running store that is staffed by runners, where they will ask you a myriad of questions, examine the wear pattern on your current shoes, and often do a gait analysis test on a treadmill right in the store."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SHOP THE PROPER WAY
running shoes
GETTY IMAGES
The study authors from Loyola University also noted that the ideal time of day to head to the store is late in the day, since your feet will have naturally expanded after hours of being on them. And when you get fitted for sneakers, be sure to wear your typical running socks, as well as orthotics.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
PRICIER DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN BETTER
GETTY IMAGES
While the old adage "you get what you pay for" does hold some truth in certain situations, it's not an appropriate quote when it comes to buying running shoes. "In fact, less expensive might just be better for you," states Holland, who's run in over 60 marathons and ultra-marathons around the world. He refers to research which found that low- to mid-priced shoes cushioned runners' feet just as well — if not better — than higher-priced sneakers of the same brand. "And another study, one that analyzed 134,867 reviews of 391 running shoes from 24 brands, concluded that 'there is no statistical correlation between the list price of a shoe and how well rated it is.'"
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
THERE'S NO NUMBER ONE RUNNING SNEAKER
GETTY IMAGES
"A common question people ask is, 'Which brand or model of running shoe is the best?'" states Holland. "But there isn't one. The best sneaker is the one that best correlates with your specific biomechanics, including your weekly mileage, goals, arch type, foot width, weight, primary running surface (treadmill, road, trail), whether you pronate or supinate, to name a few features."
Here are some of the most popular and highly-rated running shoes:
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SALOMON XR MISSION
SALOMON
These are one of the most popular running shoes on Amazon for a reason: They're designed for both pavement and trails, offer lots of traction, and have plenty of toe room.
BUY NOW Starting at $80, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
BROOKS GHOST 10 NEUTRAL CUSHIONED
BROOKS
The Runner's World's "Editor's Choice" award winner for 2017, these shoes provide tons of arch support and are known for their comfort, especially for those who suffer from arthritis or bunions.
BUY NOW Starting at $117, amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
SAUCONY STABIL CS3
SAUCONY
A brand that has spent years studying the biomechanics of top athletes and relies on everyday runners to test and rate its products, this Saucony sneaker is known for its PowerGrid midsole cushioning and Support Frame Heel counter, making it a popular choice for those who deal with pronation problems (when the feet excessive roll inward upon landing), which can lead to injuries, such as shin splints, bunions, and plantar fasciitis.
BUY NOW $130, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NEW BALANCE FRESH FOAM ZANTE V3
NEW BALANCE
Designed for running at high speeds, the "bootie" construction of this award-winning sneaker helps provide a snug fit. Plus, the aggressive toe spring and rubber outsole ensures a quick transition.
BUY NOW Starting at $110, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
NIKE AIR ZOOM PEGASUS
NIKE
The engineered mesh allows for breathability, so this ultralight shoe — which is cushioned in the midsole and offers flex grooves for natural range of motion — does not need time to get that "just right" feel.
BUY NOW Starting at $45, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ADIDAS PURE BOOST X
ADIDAS
The sock-like design gives these training sneakers a snug fit, and a gap in the overlay at the arch supports the natural movement of your foot. (And it comes in lots of bright colorful combinations, too!)
BUY NOW Starting at $69, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL FORTITUDE 7
ASICS
While this shoe was designed with technology to enhance the foot's natural gait from heel strike to toe-off, an even bigger selling point is that it can support runners with larger builds, as well as those who require orthotics.
BUY NOW Starting at $56, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
UNDER ARMOUR CHARGED BANDIT 2
UNDER ARMOUR
This breathable, seamless, and stretchable sneaker is known for its two-piece Charged Cushioning midsole, which is firmer below the heel and softer below the forefoot, offering both comfort and support. Also, its "unique tongue" further enhances a solid fit.
BUY NOW Starting at $50, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
REEBOK OSR HARMONY ROAD
REEBOK
Named the 2017 Runner's World Best Debut for its performance-driven design and innovative KooshRide core technology, the tri-zone midsole of this sneaker also delivers shock absorption in the heel. The long-lasting cushion makes it a winner for long distance runners.
BUY NOW Starting at $42, Amazon.com
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
ASICS GEL-VENTURE 5
Asics GEL-Venture 5 Running Shoe
ASICS
Amazon reviewers loved this shoe because it offers serious support — whether you're hitting the track or are just going to be on your feet all day. Others reviews mentioned that these shoes have a comfortable amount of toe space.
BUY NOW Starting at $48, amazon.com
10 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex
Freud called female sexuality "the dark continent." Well, if that's true, male sexuality could qualify as the dark planet. After all, when it comes to sex, men are far from simple. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, so what you see on TV or hear from them is typically the role, not reality. Here are 10 "unmasking" facts straight from men and experts that you may want to know.
1. We respond to praise.
It's believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.
2. We fear intimacy …
… but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins — of words, thoughts, feelings — and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men — not because it's smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What's a woman to do? First, understand that your guy's hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he's denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.
intimate couple
GETTY IMAGES
3. We appreciate sex for sex's sake.
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex" is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, "Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it's not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her." On occasion, try letting him ravish you.
4. We're not just our … you know.
The penis gets all the press, but men have "many erogenous zones," says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. "Men tend not to correct women because they're afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch." Like the chest, inner thighs, and face. There are two other key areas: Gently gripping a man's testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.
5. We encourage fantasies.
"Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them," says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other. Then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you're both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
couple
GETTY IMAGES
6. We like it when you talk.
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising, and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman's words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he's a suburban banker.
7. We need your honesty.
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it can also cause stress. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it's easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.
8. We enjoy the dance.
Men like a good quest. Allow us to court you and make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: "Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance." How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls "separate sexuality": a sexual life that doesn't include, but doesn't betray, the other. "For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy." Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.
how to please a man
GETTY IMAGES
9. We can explain pornography.
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Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn't be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4% of the population, so it's unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, "no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man."
Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of "what about it turns him on versus what turns you off." That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity, and closeness.
10. We always need it, but not for the reason you think.
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. "Men see sex as a celebration," says Dr. Schaefer. "They wish women would take more of a 'carpe diem' approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It's easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure, and opportunity that sex affords us.
On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung." If that doesn't make you want to "seize the day" (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the "bonding hormone," bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure, and promotes healing.
1. We respond to praise.
It's believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.
2. We fear intimacy …
… but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins — of words, thoughts, feelings — and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men — not because it's smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What's a woman to do? First, understand that your guy's hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he's denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.
intimate couple
GETTY IMAGES
3. We appreciate sex for sex's sake.
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex" is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, "Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it's not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her." On occasion, try letting him ravish you.
4. We're not just our … you know.
The penis gets all the press, but men have "many erogenous zones," says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. "Men tend not to correct women because they're afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch." Like the chest, inner thighs, and face. There are two other key areas: Gently gripping a man's testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.
5. We encourage fantasies.
"Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them," says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other. Then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you're both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
couple
GETTY IMAGES
6. We like it when you talk.
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising, and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman's words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he's a suburban banker.
7. We need your honesty.
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it can also cause stress. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it's easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.
8. We enjoy the dance.
Men like a good quest. Allow us to court you and make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: "Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance." How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls "separate sexuality": a sexual life that doesn't include, but doesn't betray, the other. "For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy." Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.
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9. We can explain pornography.
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Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn't be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4% of the population, so it's unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, "no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man."
Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of "what about it turns him on versus what turns you off." That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity, and closeness.
10. We always need it, but not for the reason you think.
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. "Men see sex as a celebration," says Dr. Schaefer. "They wish women would take more of a 'carpe diem' approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It's easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure, and opportunity that sex affords us.
On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung." If that doesn't make you want to "seize the day" (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the "bonding hormone," bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure, and promotes healing.
10 Habits of Highly Sexual Couples
There are peaks and valleys in every long-term relationship. If you and your partner are going through a dry spell—sex has become inconsistent, or no longer valued in the relationship—it may be time to get things back on track. How do other couples keep things hot in the bedroom? Here, we spoke with leading sex therapists to find out what they say are the top 10 habits of highly sexual couples.
1
THEY EMBRACE IMPERFECTION.
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Life isn't perfect, and neither is sex. "Couples who have a lot of sex don't look for the perfect situation, like being on vacation when your kids are not with you. In daily life, work stress, family stress, and home stress of all kinds come into play," says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. "Couples who have a lot of sex take advantage of less than perfect moments."
2
THEY AREN'T ALWAYS SEXUALLY SELFISH.
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While it's easy to get lost in the desire to feel pleasure, sex is more likely to happen when both parties aren't so selfish. "Highly sexual couples aren't self-centered. It's not all about one person or the other," says Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and founder of TherapyDepartment.com. "These couples listen to what each other needs especially when it comes to sex. They are in-tune with each other's sexual arousal and they deliver."
3
THEY'RE COMFORTABLE IN THEIR SKIN.
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Having more sex can come down to loving yourself, all of yourself, before making love to someone else. "Those who feel comfortable with their bodies don't get hung up on how their bodies look, feel, or smell to one another," says Overstreet. "They feel at ease with one another which allows them to take advantage of every opportunity to be sexual."
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4
THEY TRUST EACH OTHER.
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One key trait that highly sexual couples have in common also contributes to successful marriage: trust. "You can't be a highly sexual couple and have trust issues," Overstreet explains. "Trust and intimacy are in tandem and you can't have one without the other. These couples have worked through any trust issues, so this is one less barrier to their intimacy."
5
THEY DON'T RELY ON BEING IN THE MOOD.
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Couples who get busy frequently don't rely on being "in the mood," because that might be something they rarely feel, especially when kids or a busy work schedule are in the picture. "If you're not in the mood, sometimes a little foreplay can get you there,"says Richmond. "This is especially true for women, for whom arousal often precedes desire."
6
THEY'RE EAGER TO HAVE FUN.
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Couples who've been together for a long time may feel the sexual spark beginning to fade, especially if their bedroom time turns into a predictable routine. "Sexual couples have fun. Sex doesn't have to be super sensual," says Richmond. "Sex can be fun and flirty. There can be laughter. Sometimes the natural way to have sex is funny and fun – give into that."
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7
THEY ADMIT WHAT TURNS THEM ON.
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No matter how many times you've had sex with your partner, it can sometimes be hard to voice what it is that turns you on, or even what you'd like more of. "One thing highly sexual couples do is during sex and physical intimacy, they are verbal and open. Well before sex, tell your partner something personal, something intimate about how you are feeling," recommends John Robinson, NMD, who specializes in sexual health and hormones. "It could be about anything. Just show that you are open. This starts the sexual communication immediately."
8
THEY HAVE SEX TO REKINDLE CONNECTION.
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Since relationships can fall stale, having frequent sex can bring back the sense of commitment and even the strong bond the two of you have built over time. "Highly sexual couples see sex as a way to simply connect, even if it is for a short while," says Robinson. "See what happens if you simply commit to having sex every day for a week, no matter what. No excuses, just do it, and see how that starts to improve your level of intimacy, your self-esteem, and your personal bond."
9
THEY'RE NOT OPPOSED TO QUICKIES.
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Finding time for sex may start to make the act of getting down and dirty with your partner something that feels like a chore. "Highly sexual couples take advantage of the 'quickie,'" says Richmond. "Sex doesn't have to be 20 or 30 minutes. A quickie can be very hot and passionate and can feel great."
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10
THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN SEX.
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Having a mutual love for getting it on isn't all that sexual couples have in common. "Sharing hobbies and interests—hiking, adventure, travel, and the like—helps to maintain long-term sexual passion," says Robert Weiss, LCSW, and author of several sex-focused books including Always Turned On. "Highly sexual couples also tend to share core values and belief systems. In a general way they tend to be on the same page with things like religion, politics, finances, education, and the like."
1
THEY EMBRACE IMPERFECTION.
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Life isn't perfect, and neither is sex. "Couples who have a lot of sex don't look for the perfect situation, like being on vacation when your kids are not with you. In daily life, work stress, family stress, and home stress of all kinds come into play," says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. "Couples who have a lot of sex take advantage of less than perfect moments."
2
THEY AREN'T ALWAYS SEXUALLY SELFISH.
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While it's easy to get lost in the desire to feel pleasure, sex is more likely to happen when both parties aren't so selfish. "Highly sexual couples aren't self-centered. It's not all about one person or the other," says Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and founder of TherapyDepartment.com. "These couples listen to what each other needs especially when it comes to sex. They are in-tune with each other's sexual arousal and they deliver."
3
THEY'RE COMFORTABLE IN THEIR SKIN.
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Having more sex can come down to loving yourself, all of yourself, before making love to someone else. "Those who feel comfortable with their bodies don't get hung up on how their bodies look, feel, or smell to one another," says Overstreet. "They feel at ease with one another which allows them to take advantage of every opportunity to be sexual."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
4
THEY TRUST EACH OTHER.
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One key trait that highly sexual couples have in common also contributes to successful marriage: trust. "You can't be a highly sexual couple and have trust issues," Overstreet explains. "Trust and intimacy are in tandem and you can't have one without the other. These couples have worked through any trust issues, so this is one less barrier to their intimacy."
5
THEY DON'T RELY ON BEING IN THE MOOD.
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Couples who get busy frequently don't rely on being "in the mood," because that might be something they rarely feel, especially when kids or a busy work schedule are in the picture. "If you're not in the mood, sometimes a little foreplay can get you there,"says Richmond. "This is especially true for women, for whom arousal often precedes desire."
6
THEY'RE EAGER TO HAVE FUN.
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Couples who've been together for a long time may feel the sexual spark beginning to fade, especially if their bedroom time turns into a predictable routine. "Sexual couples have fun. Sex doesn't have to be super sensual," says Richmond. "Sex can be fun and flirty. There can be laughter. Sometimes the natural way to have sex is funny and fun – give into that."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
7
THEY ADMIT WHAT TURNS THEM ON.
GETTY IMAGES
No matter how many times you've had sex with your partner, it can sometimes be hard to voice what it is that turns you on, or even what you'd like more of. "One thing highly sexual couples do is during sex and physical intimacy, they are verbal and open. Well before sex, tell your partner something personal, something intimate about how you are feeling," recommends John Robinson, NMD, who specializes in sexual health and hormones. "It could be about anything. Just show that you are open. This starts the sexual communication immediately."
8
THEY HAVE SEX TO REKINDLE CONNECTION.
GETTY IMAGES
Since relationships can fall stale, having frequent sex can bring back the sense of commitment and even the strong bond the two of you have built over time. "Highly sexual couples see sex as a way to simply connect, even if it is for a short while," says Robinson. "See what happens if you simply commit to having sex every day for a week, no matter what. No excuses, just do it, and see how that starts to improve your level of intimacy, your self-esteem, and your personal bond."
9
THEY'RE NOT OPPOSED TO QUICKIES.
GETTY IMAGES
Finding time for sex may start to make the act of getting down and dirty with your partner something that feels like a chore. "Highly sexual couples take advantage of the 'quickie,'" says Richmond. "Sex doesn't have to be 20 or 30 minutes. A quickie can be very hot and passionate and can feel great."
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
10
THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN SEX.
GETTY IMAGES
Having a mutual love for getting it on isn't all that sexual couples have in common. "Sharing hobbies and interests—hiking, adventure, travel, and the like—helps to maintain long-term sexual passion," says Robert Weiss, LCSW, and author of several sex-focused books including Always Turned On. "Highly sexual couples also tend to share core values and belief systems. In a general way they tend to be on the same page with things like religion, politics, finances, education, and the like."
Cosmo's 50 Best Sex Tips Ever
Cosmo has been educating and empowering women for half a century, and our sex tips remain as fun, raunchy, and useful as ever. "There is still so much women don't know about their bodies and turn-ons," says ob-gyn Jennifer Ashton, MD. "Whether it's giving medical information or sharing new ways to get your freak on, Cosmo's led the way for women to embrace their sexuality and been a judgment-free zone." Sure, we've doled out some silly, even infamous advice, but way before it was in fashion, we were unashamed to present women's sexual enjoyment as something worth standing up for. So let's toast to that, and to you: May we continue to help ladies break bed frames for another 50 years.
1. Real talk: Roughly 70 percent of women need more clitoral stimulation to O during sex — so reach down and touch yourself during the deed! You feel in control of your O, and he's super turned on. Win-win.
2. For a twist on missionary, lie on your back, and lift your legs up and over to one side as he enters you. Raising your legs makes you supertight, and the angle of your hips means he'll hit spots that rarely get TLC.
3. Get him to skip the in-and-out thrusts and, uh, stir with his penis instead. He'll stimulate every inch of you (motion of the ocean and all that…).
4. Sit on the edge of the washing machine, and wrap your legs around his waist as he enters you. Helpful hint: The cotton cycle provides the strongest vibrations.
5. In reverse-cowgirl, lean back (instead of forward toward his feet). It's a primo G-spot angle for you and the illusion of a Kardashi-ass for him.
6. The no. 1 rule for a great blow job: Use your mouth (obvs!) and your hands. Take the head in your mouth, and lick and swirl like you would a soft-serve cone. Mean while, use your hands to grip, squeeze, and stroke the length of his penis. Don't keep up the same motion — variety of sensation is key!
7. Instead of pleasing each other simultaneously during 69 (so hard to focus!), take turns. One person goes to town, while the other groans and moans about how good it feels.
8. While he's giving you oral, have him insert a finger or two and stroke your G-spot with a come-hither motion. Internal and external stimulation boosts your orgasm chances.
9. Lube up! (Both you and your partner, before and/or during The Naughty.) Almost 50 percent of women say lube makes it easier to orgasm. And forget the myth that it's only for older women — all the cool kids are doing it!
10. If you have no clue whether your partner's dirty-talk meter is set to "a little naughty" or "downright filthy," do a sneaky little test. Ask, "What would you like me to do to you? Details, please." And see what words he uses and how risqué he's willing to get. Then follow his lead.
11. Usually get oral with your legs spread? Intensify your O by stretching your legs straight out, stimulating the pelvic muscles you use to climax. It's a crazy-good new sensation.
12. Gently hold his face still, tell him to stop moving, and let him simply receive your kisses for a minute. That way, whether you like it slow or hot and heavy, he'll know how to kiss you back.
13. Vintage Cosmo Tip, June 1972: "All women should try for a little more variety … a little more shock value. put on a wig. or greet your man at the door with a martini in your hand and nothing on but high heels."
Our 2015 road test: Naked except for black Manolos and a long blonde wig very unlike my curly brown hair, I was already three "test" martinis deep when I wobbled to the door and greeted R.M.P. (Reluctant Male Participant, aka my boyfriend of almost two years). First, he seemed surprised, then slightly scared. But with some R-rated coaxing, I could tell he was getting into it. After we had sex, he gave me puppy-dog eyes. "Can you take that wig off now?" "Nooo, this girl is fun, I like this girl!" I replied. Did I mention I'd had three martinis? "Wasn't it hot cheating on your girlfriend with a blonde?" I asked. He shrugged and shook his head: "I missed my girlfriend." Then we ordered burgers, and I kept my wig on while I ate mine.
14. Just started dating? Set the precedent and make sure you come first. Women often focus on their guy's orgasm and treat themselves as an afterthought. Since we're all creatures of habit, doing the reverse pays off in the long run.
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15. Ask him to trace his tongue over your thin-skinned spots: wrists, inner knees, behind your ears. It'll make you shiver.
16. While standing with your back against his chest, have him reach around and touch you so all you can see are his hands all over you — totally sexy.
17. Wrap your fingers in an "O" shape around the base of his shaft, and move them in tandem with your mouth. Use lots of saliva to ease the movement, and he won't be able to tell where your mouth ends and your hand begins. Gently cup his balls with your other hand and you're golden.
18. Try the "commercial sex" game. Start getting it on during the commercials of your favorite show, then untangle as soon as the show comes back. Sexy show? Copy their moves. As you graduate from makeouts to oral to intercourse (and back?), the teasing will be out of control.
19. Keep your dress on or just push your underwear aside to have sex. The immediacy of keeping clothes on is hot — like you can't wait to have each other.
20. The hole at the tip of his penis is called the meatus, which is the worst name given to anything, ever. (Meatus!) But it's sensitive during arousal. With your tongue, apply medium pressure on and off. He'll be shocked it feels so good!
21. When you're close to climaxing, tighten and relax like you're Kegeling. This alone can sometimes trigger an O (and it feels amazing for a guy too).
22. The shower is made for the quickie. The ideal position for you is bent over, aiming the showerhead at your hot spot while he's doing his thing from behind. No removable showerhead? Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you some digital pleasure.
23. Create a secret code that translates to sexytimes. Maybe "get me a dirty martini" means "let's blow this joint … and then each other."
24. Remind yourself how much you turn him on. Seeing his face as he's lost in ecstasy — and realizing you're making it happen — can be the push you need to cross the finish line.
25. Touch yourself — beneath your bath jets, while watching Scandal, whatever works for you — to get to know what sensations do it for you. Are you into counterclockwise clitoral strokes? Nipple stimulation? Find out—then bring your favorite moves to your next sex session.
26. Advanced blow-job move: Twist your hand as you move your mouth up and down his shaft like you're tracing the grooves of a corkscrew, and slide it over his tip each time you get to it. He'll worship you.
27. Want more oral and less jackhammer but can't seem to say so? Start out with a sext. Type "I can't stop thinking about your mouth on me tonight," throw in a kiss emoji, and hit Send. The message will be received.
28. Bring a bullet vibrator to bed. The Rabbit gets all the glory, but using a bullet vibe on your clit during doggy is a total game changer.
29. While pleasuring him with your mouth, bring his hand down to touch you. Cover his fingers with yours so you can make sure his touches are exactly what you need to climax. It'll arouse him even more to see you taking control of his movements.
30. Lead with a compliment ("I love the way you…") before suggesting a new move ("it would turn me on so much if you used your fingers like this…").
31. Turn up the tease factor by letting him enter you for a hot second, then going straight back into your foreplay of choice. Think of it as giving him a taste of the main course during cocktail hour. It'll leave him hungry — no, salivating — for more.
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32. Get sex on the brain by reading a steamy book before a date. You'll feel more sensual during the deed as you visualize a hot story line. And he never has to know!
33. Have your guy scribble down a "menu" of the top three moves that drive him crazy, and you do the same. Then swap lists, and take turns serving up the goods à la carte!
34. Perfect your striptease. Stage an entrance from another room, take a sensual walk around him, and slowly shed a slip to reveal a corset. (Or a thong and nipple tassels! Whatever's your jam.) By the time you finally straddle him, you'll both be raring to go. P.S. Leave on your heels for extra sass.
35. Switching hot and cold sensations feels amazing for him during oral. If you're not into the ol' ice-cube-in-the-cheek trick, try alternating oral with drinking something cold or warm. Even easier: Lightly blow air over him after having had him in your mouth.
36. Vintage Cosmo Tip, March 1989: "Unleash your imagination: you might drive down to the local lovers' lane like teenagers or swap houses with a friend and make love in her bedroom."
Our 2015 road test: We didn't go to lovers' lane because where even is that, but non-bedroom sex is one of those things I always mean to do but never get around to. I finally got around to it — although we kept it low-key and only ventured as far as the desk. Funny thing about adulthood: Spontaneous desk sex is hot, but clearing the desk beforehand in order to avoid any postcoital broken tchotchkes or destroyed tea rose arrangements is not. Ditto when R.M.P. paused the action to put a pillow under my back. Ultimately, the desk lends itself best to doggy-style — but R.M.P. and I did thoroughly enjoy giving the bed a break.
37. A great gizmo for scoring some dual pleasure? A vibrating penis ring. Your guy will enjoy a soft vibration on his shaft while you get bonus targeted clitoral stimulation with each of his thrusts. It also helps guys achieve fuller, harder erections.
38. Long-distance? Send him a care package for his … package. Fill a box with some sexy new lingerie, lube, and maybe a sex toy, and send it to his front door with this note: "We'll need this on my next visit."
39. Not being "allowed" to make any noise during sex can be a huge turn-on, especially when something feels so good, you just want to express it! Try this for a spin: Stuff your thong or his tie into his mouth, then do dirty, dirty things to him until he's digging his nails into his palms to keep from ripping that gag out.
40. A great couple habit to get into is to kiss every day — for more than just a couple of seconds. It wards off the perilous roommate effect, especially if you live together and lately have been spending more time doing chores together than checking each other out.
41. Getting busy in a public place is a huge risk, thereby doubling the wattage of your hot rendezvous. Your best bet to pulling it off is to keep your clothes on (wear a skirt and no undies for easier access) and do it in a place where you'll hear someone coming, like in the middle of a stairwell — the footsteps on the stairs will tip you off that it's time to get moving before you get caught.
42. The cherry on top when it comes to an amazing BJ? Eye contact. Give a wink or some smize action, and he'll be putty in your … mouth.
43. Put a pillow or two under your butt to elevate your hips during missionary sex — and up the odds of his hitting your G-spot. This will change your life, we swear.
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44. For ladies only: Have your partner lie on her side, propping herself up on her elbow, and straddle one of her legs so your clits rub together, all the while making eye contact. Grind on. Scissoring's a classic for a reason.
46. Vintage Cosmo Tip, October 2002: "Check your inhibitions at the door, and watch each other while touching yourselves."
Our 2015 road test: Now that R.M.P. and I have been banging on the regs for a while, like many long-term couples, our orgasms are pretty wham-bam-let's-watch-Netflix. We rarely take the time to stop and smell the sex roses, and thanks to the logistics of our favorite respective positions, we rarely see each other's O faces. Sitting on opposite edges of the bed, me with my fave bullet vibe, him with just his hand, felt pretty voyeuristic — in a hot way — and I definitely felt closer to him afterward.
45. Lest we (and he) forget, the clitoris extends down our labia in the shape of a wishbone. So he should lick or stroke the labia — not just the clit — while he's down there. Hell-O!
47. After a shower, get him to take you from behind while you're leaning over the bathroom sink and looking at your hot, wet self in the fogged-up mirror. You'll get a front-row view to all the seriously hot action and none of the stress of filming it. Nice!
48. Ask him first, but if he gives you the green light, hold a small vibrator against the underside of his shaft or on his perineum — that's the super nerve-packed area that lies between his balls and his butt — while you're going down on him. Start the action off with your vibe's lowest setting and then slowly increase the intensity as his arousal grows.
49. Rotate from girl-on-top position into reverse-cowgirl (take your time — you'll avoid any crazy mishaps, plus a slo-mo approach just looks that much sexier). Not only are you hitting a series of new hot spots for both of you with each different angle, but he'll dig the 360-degree view of your gorgeous bod.
50. Bored of the same old sexts? Been there. Try keeping it simple. The hottest possible text you can send: "I need you now."
A version of this story was published as "Cosmo's 50 Best Sex Tips Ever" in the November issue of Cosmopolitan. Pick up the November 2015 issue on newsstands or click here to subscribe to the digital edition!
1. Real talk: Roughly 70 percent of women need more clitoral stimulation to O during sex — so reach down and touch yourself during the deed! You feel in control of your O, and he's super turned on. Win-win.
2. For a twist on missionary, lie on your back, and lift your legs up and over to one side as he enters you. Raising your legs makes you supertight, and the angle of your hips means he'll hit spots that rarely get TLC.
3. Get him to skip the in-and-out thrusts and, uh, stir with his penis instead. He'll stimulate every inch of you (motion of the ocean and all that…).
4. Sit on the edge of the washing machine, and wrap your legs around his waist as he enters you. Helpful hint: The cotton cycle provides the strongest vibrations.
5. In reverse-cowgirl, lean back (instead of forward toward his feet). It's a primo G-spot angle for you and the illusion of a Kardashi-ass for him.
6. The no. 1 rule for a great blow job: Use your mouth (obvs!) and your hands. Take the head in your mouth, and lick and swirl like you would a soft-serve cone. Mean while, use your hands to grip, squeeze, and stroke the length of his penis. Don't keep up the same motion — variety of sensation is key!
7. Instead of pleasing each other simultaneously during 69 (so hard to focus!), take turns. One person goes to town, while the other groans and moans about how good it feels.
8. While he's giving you oral, have him insert a finger or two and stroke your G-spot with a come-hither motion. Internal and external stimulation boosts your orgasm chances.
9. Lube up! (Both you and your partner, before and/or during The Naughty.) Almost 50 percent of women say lube makes it easier to orgasm. And forget the myth that it's only for older women — all the cool kids are doing it!
10. If you have no clue whether your partner's dirty-talk meter is set to "a little naughty" or "downright filthy," do a sneaky little test. Ask, "What would you like me to do to you? Details, please." And see what words he uses and how risqué he's willing to get. Then follow his lead.
11. Usually get oral with your legs spread? Intensify your O by stretching your legs straight out, stimulating the pelvic muscles you use to climax. It's a crazy-good new sensation.
12. Gently hold his face still, tell him to stop moving, and let him simply receive your kisses for a minute. That way, whether you like it slow or hot and heavy, he'll know how to kiss you back.
13. Vintage Cosmo Tip, June 1972: "All women should try for a little more variety … a little more shock value. put on a wig. or greet your man at the door with a martini in your hand and nothing on but high heels."
Our 2015 road test: Naked except for black Manolos and a long blonde wig very unlike my curly brown hair, I was already three "test" martinis deep when I wobbled to the door and greeted R.M.P. (Reluctant Male Participant, aka my boyfriend of almost two years). First, he seemed surprised, then slightly scared. But with some R-rated coaxing, I could tell he was getting into it. After we had sex, he gave me puppy-dog eyes. "Can you take that wig off now?" "Nooo, this girl is fun, I like this girl!" I replied. Did I mention I'd had three martinis? "Wasn't it hot cheating on your girlfriend with a blonde?" I asked. He shrugged and shook his head: "I missed my girlfriend." Then we ordered burgers, and I kept my wig on while I ate mine.
14. Just started dating? Set the precedent and make sure you come first. Women often focus on their guy's orgasm and treat themselves as an afterthought. Since we're all creatures of habit, doing the reverse pays off in the long run.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
15. Ask him to trace his tongue over your thin-skinned spots: wrists, inner knees, behind your ears. It'll make you shiver.
16. While standing with your back against his chest, have him reach around and touch you so all you can see are his hands all over you — totally sexy.
17. Wrap your fingers in an "O" shape around the base of his shaft, and move them in tandem with your mouth. Use lots of saliva to ease the movement, and he won't be able to tell where your mouth ends and your hand begins. Gently cup his balls with your other hand and you're golden.
18. Try the "commercial sex" game. Start getting it on during the commercials of your favorite show, then untangle as soon as the show comes back. Sexy show? Copy their moves. As you graduate from makeouts to oral to intercourse (and back?), the teasing will be out of control.
19. Keep your dress on or just push your underwear aside to have sex. The immediacy of keeping clothes on is hot — like you can't wait to have each other.
20. The hole at the tip of his penis is called the meatus, which is the worst name given to anything, ever. (Meatus!) But it's sensitive during arousal. With your tongue, apply medium pressure on and off. He'll be shocked it feels so good!
21. When you're close to climaxing, tighten and relax like you're Kegeling. This alone can sometimes trigger an O (and it feels amazing for a guy too).
22. The shower is made for the quickie. The ideal position for you is bent over, aiming the showerhead at your hot spot while he's doing his thing from behind. No removable showerhead? Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you some digital pleasure.
23. Create a secret code that translates to sexytimes. Maybe "get me a dirty martini" means "let's blow this joint … and then each other."
24. Remind yourself how much you turn him on. Seeing his face as he's lost in ecstasy — and realizing you're making it happen — can be the push you need to cross the finish line.
25. Touch yourself — beneath your bath jets, while watching Scandal, whatever works for you — to get to know what sensations do it for you. Are you into counterclockwise clitoral strokes? Nipple stimulation? Find out—then bring your favorite moves to your next sex session.
26. Advanced blow-job move: Twist your hand as you move your mouth up and down his shaft like you're tracing the grooves of a corkscrew, and slide it over his tip each time you get to it. He'll worship you.
27. Want more oral and less jackhammer but can't seem to say so? Start out with a sext. Type "I can't stop thinking about your mouth on me tonight," throw in a kiss emoji, and hit Send. The message will be received.
28. Bring a bullet vibrator to bed. The Rabbit gets all the glory, but using a bullet vibe on your clit during doggy is a total game changer.
29. While pleasuring him with your mouth, bring his hand down to touch you. Cover his fingers with yours so you can make sure his touches are exactly what you need to climax. It'll arouse him even more to see you taking control of his movements.
30. Lead with a compliment ("I love the way you…") before suggesting a new move ("it would turn me on so much if you used your fingers like this…").
31. Turn up the tease factor by letting him enter you for a hot second, then going straight back into your foreplay of choice. Think of it as giving him a taste of the main course during cocktail hour. It'll leave him hungry — no, salivating — for more.
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32. Get sex on the brain by reading a steamy book before a date. You'll feel more sensual during the deed as you visualize a hot story line. And he never has to know!
33. Have your guy scribble down a "menu" of the top three moves that drive him crazy, and you do the same. Then swap lists, and take turns serving up the goods à la carte!
34. Perfect your striptease. Stage an entrance from another room, take a sensual walk around him, and slowly shed a slip to reveal a corset. (Or a thong and nipple tassels! Whatever's your jam.) By the time you finally straddle him, you'll both be raring to go. P.S. Leave on your heels for extra sass.
35. Switching hot and cold sensations feels amazing for him during oral. If you're not into the ol' ice-cube-in-the-cheek trick, try alternating oral with drinking something cold or warm. Even easier: Lightly blow air over him after having had him in your mouth.
36. Vintage Cosmo Tip, March 1989: "Unleash your imagination: you might drive down to the local lovers' lane like teenagers or swap houses with a friend and make love in her bedroom."
Our 2015 road test: We didn't go to lovers' lane because where even is that, but non-bedroom sex is one of those things I always mean to do but never get around to. I finally got around to it — although we kept it low-key and only ventured as far as the desk. Funny thing about adulthood: Spontaneous desk sex is hot, but clearing the desk beforehand in order to avoid any postcoital broken tchotchkes or destroyed tea rose arrangements is not. Ditto when R.M.P. paused the action to put a pillow under my back. Ultimately, the desk lends itself best to doggy-style — but R.M.P. and I did thoroughly enjoy giving the bed a break.
37. A great gizmo for scoring some dual pleasure? A vibrating penis ring. Your guy will enjoy a soft vibration on his shaft while you get bonus targeted clitoral stimulation with each of his thrusts. It also helps guys achieve fuller, harder erections.
38. Long-distance? Send him a care package for his … package. Fill a box with some sexy new lingerie, lube, and maybe a sex toy, and send it to his front door with this note: "We'll need this on my next visit."
39. Not being "allowed" to make any noise during sex can be a huge turn-on, especially when something feels so good, you just want to express it! Try this for a spin: Stuff your thong or his tie into his mouth, then do dirty, dirty things to him until he's digging his nails into his palms to keep from ripping that gag out.
40. A great couple habit to get into is to kiss every day — for more than just a couple of seconds. It wards off the perilous roommate effect, especially if you live together and lately have been spending more time doing chores together than checking each other out.
41. Getting busy in a public place is a huge risk, thereby doubling the wattage of your hot rendezvous. Your best bet to pulling it off is to keep your clothes on (wear a skirt and no undies for easier access) and do it in a place where you'll hear someone coming, like in the middle of a stairwell — the footsteps on the stairs will tip you off that it's time to get moving before you get caught.
42. The cherry on top when it comes to an amazing BJ? Eye contact. Give a wink or some smize action, and he'll be putty in your … mouth.
43. Put a pillow or two under your butt to elevate your hips during missionary sex — and up the odds of his hitting your G-spot. This will change your life, we swear.
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44. For ladies only: Have your partner lie on her side, propping herself up on her elbow, and straddle one of her legs so your clits rub together, all the while making eye contact. Grind on. Scissoring's a classic for a reason.
46. Vintage Cosmo Tip, October 2002: "Check your inhibitions at the door, and watch each other while touching yourselves."
Our 2015 road test: Now that R.M.P. and I have been banging on the regs for a while, like many long-term couples, our orgasms are pretty wham-bam-let's-watch-Netflix. We rarely take the time to stop and smell the sex roses, and thanks to the logistics of our favorite respective positions, we rarely see each other's O faces. Sitting on opposite edges of the bed, me with my fave bullet vibe, him with just his hand, felt pretty voyeuristic — in a hot way — and I definitely felt closer to him afterward.
45. Lest we (and he) forget, the clitoris extends down our labia in the shape of a wishbone. So he should lick or stroke the labia — not just the clit — while he's down there. Hell-O!
47. After a shower, get him to take you from behind while you're leaning over the bathroom sink and looking at your hot, wet self in the fogged-up mirror. You'll get a front-row view to all the seriously hot action and none of the stress of filming it. Nice!
48. Ask him first, but if he gives you the green light, hold a small vibrator against the underside of his shaft or on his perineum — that's the super nerve-packed area that lies between his balls and his butt — while you're going down on him. Start the action off with your vibe's lowest setting and then slowly increase the intensity as his arousal grows.
49. Rotate from girl-on-top position into reverse-cowgirl (take your time — you'll avoid any crazy mishaps, plus a slo-mo approach just looks that much sexier). Not only are you hitting a series of new hot spots for both of you with each different angle, but he'll dig the 360-degree view of your gorgeous bod.
50. Bored of the same old sexts? Been there. Try keeping it simple. The hottest possible text you can send: "I need you now."
A version of this story was published as "Cosmo's 50 Best Sex Tips Ever" in the November issue of Cosmopolitan. Pick up the November 2015 issue on newsstands or click here to subscribe to the digital edition!
These Cake Messages Are Wrong In So Many Ways
Whether you’re celebrating a birthday, graduation, or some other type of special event in life, there’s a good chance a cake will be involved. For some reason, we have chosen cakes to be the go-to dessert for parties. While shows like Cupcake Wars and Ace of Cakes would have us believe the delicious dessert is the crowning moment of any party, the opposite can also be true.
These people presented their family, friends, and co-workers with some of the worst cake creations we have ever seen. Some are funny, some are weird, and others will just straight up give you nightmares. You won’t believe some of these cakes were actually real.
Perhaps English Class Should Continue
cake-fails_2112309090.jpg
If you’re going to request a cake to celebrate the end of the school year, perhaps it would be best to double, triple, and quadruple check any spelling you are including on the dessert. In all fairness, this person didn’t say they were celebrating good grades in English class.
School may be out for the summer but it’s time for this cake decorator to apply for summer school. This is a good reminder that you need to double-check what you bring home for the big party. Here’s to hoping they didn’t invite their English teacher to their end-of-year celebration.
These people presented their family, friends, and co-workers with some of the worst cake creations we have ever seen. Some are funny, some are weird, and others will just straight up give you nightmares. You won’t believe some of these cakes were actually real.
Perhaps English Class Should Continue
cake-fails_2112309090.jpg
If you’re going to request a cake to celebrate the end of the school year, perhaps it would be best to double, triple, and quadruple check any spelling you are including on the dessert. In all fairness, this person didn’t say they were celebrating good grades in English class.
School may be out for the summer but it’s time for this cake decorator to apply for summer school. This is a good reminder that you need to double-check what you bring home for the big party. Here’s to hoping they didn’t invite their English teacher to their end-of-year celebration.
What Sex Therapists Tell People Whose Partners Don’t Want Sex
Being in a relationship with someone who’s disinterested in sex can feel incredibly lonely. A discrepancy in desire is more common than most people realize, though.
What’s the best way to address it with your spouse? Below, sex therapists share the advice they give people with higher sex drives than their partners.
1. Be honest with your spouse about your needs.
Don’t shut your partner out and quietly suffer through your sexual frustration. The first step you should take to improve your sex life is to tell your S.O. that you wish you were intimate more frequently, said Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco, California.
“See how your spouse responds,” she said. “Listen to what they say, feel and say they want. You never know, they may want more closeness as well.”
2. Discuss the things that make sex possible and the barriers in the way.
Without asking, there’s no way of knowing why your spouse is disinterested in sex. Maybe they’re just exhausted and too stressed out by the day’s end to initiate sex. Or if they’re experiencing sexual dysfunction of some kind (premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or a lack of vaginal lubrication, for instance), it makes sense that they’re apprehensive about initiating sex.
“You have to consider the life, emotional and physical barriers that can affect sex and shift libidos,” said Elizabeth McGrath, a sex therapist and educator who works in the Bay Area. “If your spouse has been caring for others all day, for instance, they might not feel ready for sex until they’ve had a moment to themselves to feel nourished and decompress.”
Once you’ve pinpointed some potential causes, figure out a workaround as a team; schedule a doctor’s appointment if there’s a physical barrier to sex, or give your spouse some totally kid-free “me time” if exhaustion is the problem.
3. Try seduction, not criticism or pressure.
A slight mismatch in libido can easily become a larger one if the lower-desire spouse is badgered about the issue, said Danielle Harel, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion.
The mismatch often creates a cycle where the spouse with the higher sex drive complains, compares or criticizes their partner and the partner ends up having sex out of obligation, she explained.
Instead of pressuring your spouse, “see if you can find out what turns them on the most and try seduction,” Harel said. “Try saying (and really meaning), ‘It’s fine if we don’t have sex tonight but would you be willing to just open up to see if you start to get turned on?’”
She added: “Just because you start, doesn’t mean you have to go all the way. Make sure you have this agreement with your partner.”
4. Take turns initiating intimacy.
If you’re locked into a cycle of initiation and rejection, ask your spouse if they’d be willing to initiate some form of intimacy every few days, said Moushumi Ghose, a sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented.
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“Take turns each day initiating some kind of touch, even if if the goal isn’t orgasm, but just non-goal oriented sexy time,” she said. “The next day, the other person initiates. This can help balance out the playing field.”
5. See if your spouse is willing to make out.
Reconnecting sexually is all about taking slow, measured steps. If your partner is willing to have a hot make-out session or just touch, be open to that, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion.
“Oftentimes, when people are asking for sex, a lot of what they want is just enthusiastic, loving connection.” Hirschman said. “Just remember: You both have to be enthusiastic about it; it won’t be fulfilling if your partner just gives you sex without being present or enjoying the experience themselves.”
6. Get outside help.
Instead of dwelling on what’s missing in the relationship, consider the bond and attraction that still exists and build on that, McGrath said.
“Explore workshops, sex education resources and sex therapy that can expand your sexual horizons,” she said. “Look at what is possible and continue to talk about what else you can do together as a team.”
7. Keep bringing your sexual energy, but in a loving, calm way.
Don’t lose heart if you’re the higher-desire partner, said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and New York Times-bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
“Higher-desire partners often get frustrated and feel rejected, creating a sexual disposition that is impatient and brittle and temperamental,” he said. “This often worsens the dynamic around sex and sometimes the higher-desire partner may opt out altogether, which is equally bad.”
The best thing you can do, according to Kerner, is to “stay in it to win it. That means nurturing arousal through positive acts of intimacy.”
What’s the best way to address it with your spouse? Below, sex therapists share the advice they give people with higher sex drives than their partners.
1. Be honest with your spouse about your needs.
Don’t shut your partner out and quietly suffer through your sexual frustration. The first step you should take to improve your sex life is to tell your S.O. that you wish you were intimate more frequently, said Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco, California.
“See how your spouse responds,” she said. “Listen to what they say, feel and say they want. You never know, they may want more closeness as well.”
2. Discuss the things that make sex possible and the barriers in the way.
Without asking, there’s no way of knowing why your spouse is disinterested in sex. Maybe they’re just exhausted and too stressed out by the day’s end to initiate sex. Or if they’re experiencing sexual dysfunction of some kind (premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or a lack of vaginal lubrication, for instance), it makes sense that they’re apprehensive about initiating sex.
“You have to consider the life, emotional and physical barriers that can affect sex and shift libidos,” said Elizabeth McGrath, a sex therapist and educator who works in the Bay Area. “If your spouse has been caring for others all day, for instance, they might not feel ready for sex until they’ve had a moment to themselves to feel nourished and decompress.”
Once you’ve pinpointed some potential causes, figure out a workaround as a team; schedule a doctor’s appointment if there’s a physical barrier to sex, or give your spouse some totally kid-free “me time” if exhaustion is the problem.
3. Try seduction, not criticism or pressure.
A slight mismatch in libido can easily become a larger one if the lower-desire spouse is badgered about the issue, said Danielle Harel, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion.
The mismatch often creates a cycle where the spouse with the higher sex drive complains, compares or criticizes their partner and the partner ends up having sex out of obligation, she explained.
Instead of pressuring your spouse, “see if you can find out what turns them on the most and try seduction,” Harel said. “Try saying (and really meaning), ‘It’s fine if we don’t have sex tonight but would you be willing to just open up to see if you start to get turned on?’”
She added: “Just because you start, doesn’t mean you have to go all the way. Make sure you have this agreement with your partner.”
4. Take turns initiating intimacy.
If you’re locked into a cycle of initiation and rejection, ask your spouse if they’d be willing to initiate some form of intimacy every few days, said Moushumi Ghose, a sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented.
Subscribe to HuffPost’s relationships email
A weekly guide to improving all of the relationships in your life.
“Take turns each day initiating some kind of touch, even if if the goal isn’t orgasm, but just non-goal oriented sexy time,” she said. “The next day, the other person initiates. This can help balance out the playing field.”
5. See if your spouse is willing to make out.
Reconnecting sexually is all about taking slow, measured steps. If your partner is willing to have a hot make-out session or just touch, be open to that, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion.
“Oftentimes, when people are asking for sex, a lot of what they want is just enthusiastic, loving connection.” Hirschman said. “Just remember: You both have to be enthusiastic about it; it won’t be fulfilling if your partner just gives you sex without being present or enjoying the experience themselves.”
6. Get outside help.
Instead of dwelling on what’s missing in the relationship, consider the bond and attraction that still exists and build on that, McGrath said.
“Explore workshops, sex education resources and sex therapy that can expand your sexual horizons,” she said. “Look at what is possible and continue to talk about what else you can do together as a team.”
7. Keep bringing your sexual energy, but in a loving, calm way.
Don’t lose heart if you’re the higher-desire partner, said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and New York Times-bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
“Higher-desire partners often get frustrated and feel rejected, creating a sexual disposition that is impatient and brittle and temperamental,” he said. “This often worsens the dynamic around sex and sometimes the higher-desire partner may opt out altogether, which is equally bad.”
The best thing you can do, according to Kerner, is to “stay in it to win it. That means nurturing arousal through positive acts of intimacy.”
7 Signs A Marriage Won’t Last, According To Sex Therapists
Sex isn’t everything in a marriage, but for most people, a healthy, regular sex life matters quite a bit.
Sex therapists can vouch for that. Below, they share seven issues that can ruin a relationship if left unaddressed.
1. The couple no longer has sex.
Surprisingly, you can be in a sexless marriage and still have sex. Therapists define a sexless relationship as one in which the couple are physically intimate less than 10 times a year.
In most sexless marriages, the absence of any physical connection divides couples, said Sari Cooper, certified sex therapist and host of the web show Sex Esteem.
“Partners end up alienating each other on a very deep, very primal and sometimes emotional level,” she told The Huffington Post. “Very frequently the couple not only avoids sex, but the discussion of the problem itself. That only leads to a further sense of isolation and loneliness for the partners.”
When couples in sexless marriages come to Cooper’s office, she helps them broach the discussion without placing the blame on one person in particular.
“The sexually frustrated partner needs to ‘break the ice’ and let their S.O. know how much they miss them,” she said. “That’s a much better approach than arguing or blaming the other.”
2. One partner doesn’t feel sexually desired.
Feeling wanted and desired is a huge turn-on, especially for women. As sex researcher Marta Meana once put it in an interview with the New York Times, for women, “being desired is the orgasm.” When a partner fails to reassure a woman of her desirability, their sex life naturally takes a hit, said Laurie Watson, a sex therapist and the co-host of the sex advice podcast Foreplay.
“Resolving the issue is all about exploring expectations. You have to consider how intimate couple time can lead to better and more sex,” she said. “It also doesn’t hurt to make sure your partner is getting good sex with plenty of orgasms so she’ll want to do it.”
3. There’s a breakdown in intimacy after an affair.
Broken trust after an affair can be a hard thing to mend and your sex life will take even longer to restore, Cooper said.
“It takes a lot of effort and work by the unfaithful partner to re-establish trust. Meanwhile, the betrayed partner needs to better understand what led to the affair,” she said. “Often, the couple needs to create a new sexual contract of sorts, that addresses the needs that were not being met or hidden.
If the unfaithful partner continues to have contact with the other man or woman in secret, it may be impossible to repair the emotional and erotic bond, Cooper said.
4. There’s no physical attraction.
In long-term couples, waning sexual attraction can do a number on the relationship, said Moushumi Ghose, a sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented.
“Sometimes, it’s a matter of one spouse letting themselves go,” she said. “Obviously, life happens and the daily stressors of work, marriage, and having a family can take its toll, but people who are no longer physically attracted to their partner sometimes take it as a sign that their partner has given up on themselves and their relationship.”
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5. Physical barriers to sex become a scapegoat.
There are plenty of physical and health-related reasons couples stop having sex, from premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, to pain during intercourse for women.
These problems should be addressed with a doctor, but there’s usually some emotional work that needs to be done by the couple as well, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion.
“When these functional problems end up being blamed for all the sexual problems ― and sometimes, problems in the relationship in general ― it blocks the couples ability to discuss their sexual and emotional needs,” she said. “Couples need to see beyond the dysfunction and look at the dynamic that’s been created around it, like fear of being undesirable or blaming the other person for everything.”
6. Sexual interests and fetishes are laughed off.
We all want different things: When your partner opens up about how they want rough sex or to role play, the worse thing you can do is disregard it or laugh it off, said Ava Cadell, a sex therapist and author of NeuroLoveology: The Power to Mindful Love & Sex.
“I tell my clients that everything is negotiable, even in the bedroom,” she said. “If one partner enjoys BDSM and the other is not that into it but wants something else, I recommend they each share three romantic fantasies and make one a reality for the other.”
From there, continue to share your sexual fantasies and boundaries without any fear of judgement or rejection, Cadell said.
7. There’s a desire discrepancy.
Many couples suffer from a “desire discrepancy,” a situation where one partner wants sex more than the other. This poses a big problem for most couples because the lower-desire spouse holds all the control of the couple’s sex life, whether they realize it or not. Eventually, the higher-desire spouse grows resentful, said Megan Fleming, a psychologist and sex therapist in New York City.
“Sex mismatches are at risk for affairs and divorce if not addressed, since the more sexual partner often can’t imagine living the rest of their lives this way,” she told HuffPost. “After all, they committed to a marriage, not a life of abstinence.”
Don’t wait until your partner is at their wits’ end before addressing the issue.
“The good news is that reasons for low desire are complex but treatable,” Fleming said.
Sex therapists can vouch for that. Below, they share seven issues that can ruin a relationship if left unaddressed.
1. The couple no longer has sex.
Surprisingly, you can be in a sexless marriage and still have sex. Therapists define a sexless relationship as one in which the couple are physically intimate less than 10 times a year.
In most sexless marriages, the absence of any physical connection divides couples, said Sari Cooper, certified sex therapist and host of the web show Sex Esteem.
“Partners end up alienating each other on a very deep, very primal and sometimes emotional level,” she told The Huffington Post. “Very frequently the couple not only avoids sex, but the discussion of the problem itself. That only leads to a further sense of isolation and loneliness for the partners.”
When couples in sexless marriages come to Cooper’s office, she helps them broach the discussion without placing the blame on one person in particular.
“The sexually frustrated partner needs to ‘break the ice’ and let their S.O. know how much they miss them,” she said. “That’s a much better approach than arguing or blaming the other.”
2. One partner doesn’t feel sexually desired.
Feeling wanted and desired is a huge turn-on, especially for women. As sex researcher Marta Meana once put it in an interview with the New York Times, for women, “being desired is the orgasm.” When a partner fails to reassure a woman of her desirability, their sex life naturally takes a hit, said Laurie Watson, a sex therapist and the co-host of the sex advice podcast Foreplay.
“Resolving the issue is all about exploring expectations. You have to consider how intimate couple time can lead to better and more sex,” she said. “It also doesn’t hurt to make sure your partner is getting good sex with plenty of orgasms so she’ll want to do it.”
3. There’s a breakdown in intimacy after an affair.
Broken trust after an affair can be a hard thing to mend and your sex life will take even longer to restore, Cooper said.
“It takes a lot of effort and work by the unfaithful partner to re-establish trust. Meanwhile, the betrayed partner needs to better understand what led to the affair,” she said. “Often, the couple needs to create a new sexual contract of sorts, that addresses the needs that were not being met or hidden.
If the unfaithful partner continues to have contact with the other man or woman in secret, it may be impossible to repair the emotional and erotic bond, Cooper said.
4. There’s no physical attraction.
In long-term couples, waning sexual attraction can do a number on the relationship, said Moushumi Ghose, a sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented.
“Sometimes, it’s a matter of one spouse letting themselves go,” she said. “Obviously, life happens and the daily stressors of work, marriage, and having a family can take its toll, but people who are no longer physically attracted to their partner sometimes take it as a sign that their partner has given up on themselves and their relationship.”
Subscribe to HuffPost’s relationships email
A weekly guide to improving all of the relationships in your life.
address@email.com
5. Physical barriers to sex become a scapegoat.
There are plenty of physical and health-related reasons couples stop having sex, from premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, to pain during intercourse for women.
These problems should be addressed with a doctor, but there’s usually some emotional work that needs to be done by the couple as well, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion.
“When these functional problems end up being blamed for all the sexual problems ― and sometimes, problems in the relationship in general ― it blocks the couples ability to discuss their sexual and emotional needs,” she said. “Couples need to see beyond the dysfunction and look at the dynamic that’s been created around it, like fear of being undesirable or blaming the other person for everything.”
6. Sexual interests and fetishes are laughed off.
We all want different things: When your partner opens up about how they want rough sex or to role play, the worse thing you can do is disregard it or laugh it off, said Ava Cadell, a sex therapist and author of NeuroLoveology: The Power to Mindful Love & Sex.
“I tell my clients that everything is negotiable, even in the bedroom,” she said. “If one partner enjoys BDSM and the other is not that into it but wants something else, I recommend they each share three romantic fantasies and make one a reality for the other.”
From there, continue to share your sexual fantasies and boundaries without any fear of judgement or rejection, Cadell said.
7. There’s a desire discrepancy.
Many couples suffer from a “desire discrepancy,” a situation where one partner wants sex more than the other. This poses a big problem for most couples because the lower-desire spouse holds all the control of the couple’s sex life, whether they realize it or not. Eventually, the higher-desire spouse grows resentful, said Megan Fleming, a psychologist and sex therapist in New York City.
“Sex mismatches are at risk for affairs and divorce if not addressed, since the more sexual partner often can’t imagine living the rest of their lives this way,” she told HuffPost. “After all, they committed to a marriage, not a life of abstinence.”
Don’t wait until your partner is at their wits’ end before addressing the issue.
“The good news is that reasons for low desire are complex but treatable,” Fleming said.
How Often You Should Be Having Sex, According To Sex Therapists
Most couples and individuals who come into sex therapist Tammy Nelson’s office want to know the same thing: Is my sex life with my partner normal?
“They want to know if they are having enough sex, the right kind of sex, if their partner wants too much sex,” Nelson, a sexologist and the author of The New Monogamy, said. “Sometimes, they’re worried that they should be doing something totally different in bed.”
In response, Nelson usually tells people the same thing.
“Forget about ‘normal.’ ‘Normal’ is a setting on the washing machine, nothing more. What’s most important is that you learn to have empathy for your partner and accept whatever their needs might be, even if they are different than your own,” she explained.
Below, Nelson and other sex therapists share the advice they give couples concerned about their sex lives (or lack thereof).
Stop worrying about how often other couples are doing it.
Forgot about keeping up with the Jones’ very active sex life: Each couple has a “norm” when it comes to sex and that’s what you should be concerned about, said Dawn Michael, a sexologist and the author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me.
“If a couple had sex three times a week for many years and it’s now down to once a week, the pattern has changed and the frequency has gone down,” she said. “We focus on that in our conversation.”
But Michael also stresses that when it comes to sex, there is no magic number ― and most couples who say they’re getting it on all the time are fibbing.
“A lot of couples will say they have sex three times a week, but from what I see in my private practice, that number does not correlate with the truth.”
What’s normal for you now won’t be what’s normal for you in a few years.
What matters more than finding a nationwide average is determining how sexually satisfied you are at this point in your life, said Chris Rose, sex educator at the website Pleasure Mechanics.
“Your shared sex life is a constant navigation between the tides of your libido, your time and energy, and mutual desire to prioritize sex,” she said. “Frequent conversations about your sex life ― and increasing the amount of affectionate touch you share outside of the bedroom ― may actually be the most important factors in a long-term sexually satisfying relationship.”
Don’t lose hope if you’re the partner with the higher sex drive.
Someone needs to maintain an interest in your sex life. Otherwise, you might end up in a dead bedroom situation, said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and New York Times-bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
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A weekly guide to improving all of the relationships in your life.
As he points out, sex isn’t always spontaneous; sometimes, kick starting your sex life requires focusing on arousal over orgasms and just enjoying the moment and the buildup.
“I tell couples that for many people, sexual desire doesn’t emerge at the start of sex, but more toward the middle,” he said. “You need to commit to generating some kind of arousal (through kissing, making out, dancing, reading erotica or watching porn) that may lead to desire. Be willing to generate arousal and see where it goes.”
If you’re the partner with the lower sex drive, determine if there’s a reason.
If you’re the partner who is less interested in sex, there’s no need to feel shame, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion. Desire discrepancy in relationships is more common than most people realize.
As Hirschman’s co-author Danielle Harel explains, if you want things to change, you have to be willing to deep dive into why you’re disinterested in sex. It could be that you’re experiencing physical and hormonal fluctuations and intercourse is painful ― or maybe you’re just tired of doing the same ol’ thing in the bedroom.
“Sometimes, the lower sex drive partner might not be getting the kind of sex they want or they might be feeling too much pressure from their partner which makes them feel obligated,” Harel said. “Feeling obligated to have sex is definitely not sexy.”
Remember: Good sex can’t be quantified.
At the end of the night, when you’re laying in bed with your partner, don’t stare at the ceiling and wonder if your sex life is “normal” compared to others. Be proactive: Reach out to your S.O. and talk about what both of you want in the bedroom, Nelson said.
“Try new things,” she said. “Snuggle more, masturbate, negotiate an open relationship if you’re into that, but make sure you always talk about what is important to you,” she said. “Never silently seethe or hold resentment.”
She added: “The secret to a satisfying sex life is not just getting the sex that you want, it’s learning how to give your partner what they want, too.”
“They want to know if they are having enough sex, the right kind of sex, if their partner wants too much sex,” Nelson, a sexologist and the author of The New Monogamy, said. “Sometimes, they’re worried that they should be doing something totally different in bed.”
In response, Nelson usually tells people the same thing.
“Forget about ‘normal.’ ‘Normal’ is a setting on the washing machine, nothing more. What’s most important is that you learn to have empathy for your partner and accept whatever their needs might be, even if they are different than your own,” she explained.
Below, Nelson and other sex therapists share the advice they give couples concerned about their sex lives (or lack thereof).
Stop worrying about how often other couples are doing it.
Forgot about keeping up with the Jones’ very active sex life: Each couple has a “norm” when it comes to sex and that’s what you should be concerned about, said Dawn Michael, a sexologist and the author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me.
“If a couple had sex three times a week for many years and it’s now down to once a week, the pattern has changed and the frequency has gone down,” she said. “We focus on that in our conversation.”
But Michael also stresses that when it comes to sex, there is no magic number ― and most couples who say they’re getting it on all the time are fibbing.
“A lot of couples will say they have sex three times a week, but from what I see in my private practice, that number does not correlate with the truth.”
What’s normal for you now won’t be what’s normal for you in a few years.
What matters more than finding a nationwide average is determining how sexually satisfied you are at this point in your life, said Chris Rose, sex educator at the website Pleasure Mechanics.
“Your shared sex life is a constant navigation between the tides of your libido, your time and energy, and mutual desire to prioritize sex,” she said. “Frequent conversations about your sex life ― and increasing the amount of affectionate touch you share outside of the bedroom ― may actually be the most important factors in a long-term sexually satisfying relationship.”
Don’t lose hope if you’re the partner with the higher sex drive.
Someone needs to maintain an interest in your sex life. Otherwise, you might end up in a dead bedroom situation, said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and New York Times-bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
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As he points out, sex isn’t always spontaneous; sometimes, kick starting your sex life requires focusing on arousal over orgasms and just enjoying the moment and the buildup.
“I tell couples that for many people, sexual desire doesn’t emerge at the start of sex, but more toward the middle,” he said. “You need to commit to generating some kind of arousal (through kissing, making out, dancing, reading erotica or watching porn) that may lead to desire. Be willing to generate arousal and see where it goes.”
If you’re the partner with the lower sex drive, determine if there’s a reason.
If you’re the partner who is less interested in sex, there’s no need to feel shame, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion. Desire discrepancy in relationships is more common than most people realize.
As Hirschman’s co-author Danielle Harel explains, if you want things to change, you have to be willing to deep dive into why you’re disinterested in sex. It could be that you’re experiencing physical and hormonal fluctuations and intercourse is painful ― or maybe you’re just tired of doing the same ol’ thing in the bedroom.
“Sometimes, the lower sex drive partner might not be getting the kind of sex they want or they might be feeling too much pressure from their partner which makes them feel obligated,” Harel said. “Feeling obligated to have sex is definitely not sexy.”
Remember: Good sex can’t be quantified.
At the end of the night, when you’re laying in bed with your partner, don’t stare at the ceiling and wonder if your sex life is “normal” compared to others. Be proactive: Reach out to your S.O. and talk about what both of you want in the bedroom, Nelson said.
“Try new things,” she said. “Snuggle more, masturbate, negotiate an open relationship if you’re into that, but make sure you always talk about what is important to you,” she said. “Never silently seethe or hold resentment.”
She added: “The secret to a satisfying sex life is not just getting the sex that you want, it’s learning how to give your partner what they want, too.”
6 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time
Sex therapist Celeste Hirschman knows there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to couples’ erotic problems. What she can suggest to all couples that come into her office, however, is a new, more open-minded approach to sex.
“I tell them, you will need to explore your own turn ons and find out what turns your partner on and then see where the two of you overlap and where you might be willing to learn, expand and try out different experiences,” Hirschman, the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion, told HuffPost.
Below, she and other sex therapists share the most common bedroom problems couples grapple with.
“I commonly hear this statement from married women at their first session with me. I reframe this dilemma as a discrepancy in the couple’s definition of what ‘sex’ means. Most often the ‘high desire partner’ defines it as intercourse. The goal is orgasm and good sex is defined as a good performance. I see hope in the wife’s eyes as I begin to shift the definition into the pleasure model of sex, that is: sexuality is energy and can be expressed in so many ways not limited to genital performance. The goal is pleasure and the vehicle of pleasure is touch with no particular activity or outcome expected. It is not a matter of chemistry and plumbing working properly, but a matter of connection, relaxation and feeling safe. Hearing this is often very freeing for both partners.” — Linda E. Savage, a psychologist, sex educator and author of Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality
“Many couples I see think that an affair has to end the relationship, but affairs can often be a catalyst or wake-up call that can get couples talking again after years of stagnation. While it can be very painful to be cheated on, the most important thing to remember is that the person cheating is rarely doing it on purpose to hurt their partner. It is possible to recover from an affair and find a place of trust, honesty and connection again. It just takes a lot of love and empathy to get through the hurt to a deeper understanding with one another.” — Celeste Hirschman
“The most common sexual problem that men deal with is not erectile dysfunction, but premature ejaculation. Most men who suffer from PE are doing so in silent desperation, experiencing shame and frustration when commonly touted behavioral interventions such as the ‘stop-start’ and ‘squeeze’ methods fail. As one woman complained to her partner of the stop-start method, ‘Are we having sex or parking a car?’ There’s no cure for PE, but there are ways to manage it. First off, even if a guy could last as long as he wants, it doesn’t mean that lasting longer results in a woman’s orgasm. Most women respond to clitoral stimulation more than vaginal penetration. I always advise men to focus on outercourse more than intercourse.“ — Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and New York Times-bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
“The truth is, you cannot go back to the way sex is in the honeymoon period, but you can move forward to something equally amazing or perhaps even better. If you stop looking at sex as something that is just supposed to happen between the two of you without any communication or creativity, it is possible to find out what will make your sex life hot again.” — Celeste Hirschman
“When I hear couples have lost their sexual connection, the work begins: Over the course of many weeks, homework assignments are first focused on creating the safe and secure connection. The assignments focus on touch experiences that allow the couple to connect through safe touch, a kind of kinesthetic mindfulness. Once they can be completely relaxed and connected with no agenda, they gradually focus on expanding pleasure in completely new ways, including spiritual sex practices if they so desire.” — Linda E. Savage
“Most of the couples I work with actually bristle at the idea of scheduling sex; they feel like desire should emerge spontaneously, but actually desire is ‘responsive,’ meaning that it doesn’t just emerge. What does desire respond to? Arousal. I often give couples the homework of creating ‘willingess windows’ — a 20 minute period where you commit to generating arousal (physiological, psychological or both) without the expectation or demand of sex. What are some of the activities that couples choose to generate in these willingness windows? It’s a range: kissing, making out, hugging, dancing like fools, mutual massages, watching porn together, reading erotica, there’s actually very few limits on what you can consensually get going in 20 minutes. It’s better to be the couple that schedules arousal, and potentially sex, then the couple that lets sex fall to the bottom of the to-do list.” — Ian Kerner
“I tell them, you will need to explore your own turn ons and find out what turns your partner on and then see where the two of you overlap and where you might be willing to learn, expand and try out different experiences,” Hirschman, the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion, told HuffPost.
Below, she and other sex therapists share the most common bedroom problems couples grapple with.
“I commonly hear this statement from married women at their first session with me. I reframe this dilemma as a discrepancy in the couple’s definition of what ‘sex’ means. Most often the ‘high desire partner’ defines it as intercourse. The goal is orgasm and good sex is defined as a good performance. I see hope in the wife’s eyes as I begin to shift the definition into the pleasure model of sex, that is: sexuality is energy and can be expressed in so many ways not limited to genital performance. The goal is pleasure and the vehicle of pleasure is touch with no particular activity or outcome expected. It is not a matter of chemistry and plumbing working properly, but a matter of connection, relaxation and feeling safe. Hearing this is often very freeing for both partners.” — Linda E. Savage, a psychologist, sex educator and author of Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality
“Many couples I see think that an affair has to end the relationship, but affairs can often be a catalyst or wake-up call that can get couples talking again after years of stagnation. While it can be very painful to be cheated on, the most important thing to remember is that the person cheating is rarely doing it on purpose to hurt their partner. It is possible to recover from an affair and find a place of trust, honesty and connection again. It just takes a lot of love and empathy to get through the hurt to a deeper understanding with one another.” — Celeste Hirschman
“The most common sexual problem that men deal with is not erectile dysfunction, but premature ejaculation. Most men who suffer from PE are doing so in silent desperation, experiencing shame and frustration when commonly touted behavioral interventions such as the ‘stop-start’ and ‘squeeze’ methods fail. As one woman complained to her partner of the stop-start method, ‘Are we having sex or parking a car?’ There’s no cure for PE, but there are ways to manage it. First off, even if a guy could last as long as he wants, it doesn’t mean that lasting longer results in a woman’s orgasm. Most women respond to clitoral stimulation more than vaginal penetration. I always advise men to focus on outercourse more than intercourse.“ — Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and New York Times-bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
“The truth is, you cannot go back to the way sex is in the honeymoon period, but you can move forward to something equally amazing or perhaps even better. If you stop looking at sex as something that is just supposed to happen between the two of you without any communication or creativity, it is possible to find out what will make your sex life hot again.” — Celeste Hirschman
“When I hear couples have lost their sexual connection, the work begins: Over the course of many weeks, homework assignments are first focused on creating the safe and secure connection. The assignments focus on touch experiences that allow the couple to connect through safe touch, a kind of kinesthetic mindfulness. Once they can be completely relaxed and connected with no agenda, they gradually focus on expanding pleasure in completely new ways, including spiritual sex practices if they so desire.” — Linda E. Savage
“Most of the couples I work with actually bristle at the idea of scheduling sex; they feel like desire should emerge spontaneously, but actually desire is ‘responsive,’ meaning that it doesn’t just emerge. What does desire respond to? Arousal. I often give couples the homework of creating ‘willingess windows’ — a 20 minute period where you commit to generating arousal (physiological, psychological or both) without the expectation or demand of sex. What are some of the activities that couples choose to generate in these willingness windows? It’s a range: kissing, making out, hugging, dancing like fools, mutual massages, watching porn together, reading erotica, there’s actually very few limits on what you can consensually get going in 20 minutes. It’s better to be the couple that schedules arousal, and potentially sex, then the couple that lets sex fall to the bottom of the to-do list.” — Ian Kerner
6 Sex ‘Rules’ For People In Relationships, From Sex Therapists
Even couples who start off with hot-and-heavy sex lives go through slumps at some point.
Below, sex therapists around the country share six rules and helpful guidelines to stay sexually satisfied in a long-time relationship. (When rules are this fun, why would you want to break them?)
1. Practice the platinum rule.
“We all know the golden rule: Do unto others as you’d like done unto yourself. But the platinum rule is really where it’s at. Do unto your partner that which they would like done for themselves. Seriously, what are their biggest turn-ons? Commit to doing it at least once each week.”― Megan Fleming, a New York City-based sex therapist and the author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection
2. Don’t compare your sex lives to others.
″‘Rick and Jeff have way more sex than us’ is a big no-no but a really common pitfall that couples fall into. When we begin to compare ourselves to other people, we often find a way to either make ourselves seem better or seem less than. A long-term sexual connection is not about who is doing it the best or who’s having it the most often. Over time, your sexual connection with your partner will change, grow and if you’re open, take you places you never knew you could go. You’ll have moments of extreme highs and pleasurable connectedness, as well as moments of lows, feeling bored and disconnected. Remember: This is normal in a long term sexual relationship.” ― Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco, California
3. Focus on what turns you on about your partner, not the turn-offs.
“When couples come to me to spice up their sex life, I encourage them to be intentional about when they find their partners attractive or sexually appealing. It’s so easy to dwell on the things that turn us off, but we don’t spend enough time focusing on what turns us on. When I pose the question of when they’re turned on by their S.O., they often have a hard time coming up with more than superficial answers. Sometimes, they can’t come up with anything at all. This is because we live in a ‘what have you done for me lately?’ culture. I encourage them to recall what attracted them to their partner in the first place and try to create interactions that are conducive to replicating those feelings. I also ask them to think hard about when they find their partner particularly attractive. One woman told me she is always turned on when her husband carries their toddler on his shoulders. ‘He is so strong yet gentle at the same time. I wanted to have sex with him right there at the mall.’ A husband told me he gets turned on when his wife advocates for their kids at school. ‘She is so sexy when she is in mama bear mode.’ Being aware of the context and situations in which you experience your partner as sexy or appealing ― and celebrating that energy ― is a great way to keep things fresh.” ― Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles, California
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4. Have sex at least once a week.
“Studies show that couples who have sex once a week have a higher level of relational satisfaction than couples who have sex less than once a week. Sex also produces a physiological and psychological afterglow that can last for days. And remember, it’s not just how often you have sex, but also how you engage with each other. Different types of sex produce different benefits. There’s sex that reinforces a sense of emotional connection (lovemaking), sex that expands our sense of creativity and fantasy, there’s sex that appeals directly to our senses (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell) and there’s sex that occurs just for the sake of sex or getting rid of some stress (like a quickie or even taking the time to masturbate). So try to be consistent in frequency and varied in approach and keep your ‘sexpectations’ high. Sometimes if you’re not in the mood you have to put your body through the motions and trust the mind will follow.” ― Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
5. Schedule kid-free date night. (Better yet, pencil in hotel sex dates.)
“So much energy goes into the kids that couples are too exhausted to nurture each other. The best thing you can do for your kids is to show them that you have a connection outside of them, that you are not just together because of them, but because you genuinely enjoy each other. This means going on dates without them. If you don’t have family nearby or extra cash to pay a sitter, offer to watch another couple’s kids one night in exchange for them to watch your kids the following weekend. Once a year, splurge on a hotel so you can have hotel sex. The novelty of having sex in a new and unfamiliar place will activate dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is the same neurochemical that is responsible for the rush of pleasure. Any novel activity (trying a new sport, new food, visiting a new place) activates dopamine.” ― Kimberly Resnick Anderson
6. Have outercourse. (What’s that, you ask? We’ll explain.)
“For most of us, intercourse is often the main entree on the sex menu. Outercourse ― aka oral sex, manual stimulation, and other forms of touch and direct clitoral stimulation ― are put on the backburner. Taking intercourse off the menu is like the equivalent of going vegan and realizing how much other healthy, pleasurable options are out there outside of meat. Recent studies show that most women prefer a high degree of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and prioritizing outercourse allows you to discover new paths to pleasure that are sometimes off the beaten path.” ― Ian Kerner
Below, sex therapists around the country share six rules and helpful guidelines to stay sexually satisfied in a long-time relationship. (When rules are this fun, why would you want to break them?)
1. Practice the platinum rule.
“We all know the golden rule: Do unto others as you’d like done unto yourself. But the platinum rule is really where it’s at. Do unto your partner that which they would like done for themselves. Seriously, what are their biggest turn-ons? Commit to doing it at least once each week.”― Megan Fleming, a New York City-based sex therapist and the author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection
2. Don’t compare your sex lives to others.
″‘Rick and Jeff have way more sex than us’ is a big no-no but a really common pitfall that couples fall into. When we begin to compare ourselves to other people, we often find a way to either make ourselves seem better or seem less than. A long-term sexual connection is not about who is doing it the best or who’s having it the most often. Over time, your sexual connection with your partner will change, grow and if you’re open, take you places you never knew you could go. You’ll have moments of extreme highs and pleasurable connectedness, as well as moments of lows, feeling bored and disconnected. Remember: This is normal in a long term sexual relationship.” ― Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco, California
3. Focus on what turns you on about your partner, not the turn-offs.
“When couples come to me to spice up their sex life, I encourage them to be intentional about when they find their partners attractive or sexually appealing. It’s so easy to dwell on the things that turn us off, but we don’t spend enough time focusing on what turns us on. When I pose the question of when they’re turned on by their S.O., they often have a hard time coming up with more than superficial answers. Sometimes, they can’t come up with anything at all. This is because we live in a ‘what have you done for me lately?’ culture. I encourage them to recall what attracted them to their partner in the first place and try to create interactions that are conducive to replicating those feelings. I also ask them to think hard about when they find their partner particularly attractive. One woman told me she is always turned on when her husband carries their toddler on his shoulders. ‘He is so strong yet gentle at the same time. I wanted to have sex with him right there at the mall.’ A husband told me he gets turned on when his wife advocates for their kids at school. ‘She is so sexy when she is in mama bear mode.’ Being aware of the context and situations in which you experience your partner as sexy or appealing ― and celebrating that energy ― is a great way to keep things fresh.” ― Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles, California
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A weekly guide to improving all of the relationships in your life.
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4. Have sex at least once a week.
“Studies show that couples who have sex once a week have a higher level of relational satisfaction than couples who have sex less than once a week. Sex also produces a physiological and psychological afterglow that can last for days. And remember, it’s not just how often you have sex, but also how you engage with each other. Different types of sex produce different benefits. There’s sex that reinforces a sense of emotional connection (lovemaking), sex that expands our sense of creativity and fantasy, there’s sex that appeals directly to our senses (sight, sound, touch, taste and smell) and there’s sex that occurs just for the sake of sex or getting rid of some stress (like a quickie or even taking the time to masturbate). So try to be consistent in frequency and varied in approach and keep your ‘sexpectations’ high. Sometimes if you’re not in the mood you have to put your body through the motions and trust the mind will follow.” ― Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
5. Schedule kid-free date night. (Better yet, pencil in hotel sex dates.)
“So much energy goes into the kids that couples are too exhausted to nurture each other. The best thing you can do for your kids is to show them that you have a connection outside of them, that you are not just together because of them, but because you genuinely enjoy each other. This means going on dates without them. If you don’t have family nearby or extra cash to pay a sitter, offer to watch another couple’s kids one night in exchange for them to watch your kids the following weekend. Once a year, splurge on a hotel so you can have hotel sex. The novelty of having sex in a new and unfamiliar place will activate dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is the same neurochemical that is responsible for the rush of pleasure. Any novel activity (trying a new sport, new food, visiting a new place) activates dopamine.” ― Kimberly Resnick Anderson
6. Have outercourse. (What’s that, you ask? We’ll explain.)
“For most of us, intercourse is often the main entree on the sex menu. Outercourse ― aka oral sex, manual stimulation, and other forms of touch and direct clitoral stimulation ― are put on the backburner. Taking intercourse off the menu is like the equivalent of going vegan and realizing how much other healthy, pleasurable options are out there outside of meat. Recent studies show that most women prefer a high degree of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and prioritizing outercourse allows you to discover new paths to pleasure that are sometimes off the beaten path.” ― Ian Kerner
10 Sex Tips - Good Sex Tips - Cosmopolitan
A little experimentation never hurt anyone’s sex life.
To help couples in long-term relationships stretch their imaginations, we asked sexperts from around the country to share one piece of unconventional advice. See what they had to say below.
1. Watch each other masturbate.
“How taboo to bring your secret pleasure out into light, right? Touch yourself the way you normally would to bring an orgasm, just in front of your honey while they are doing the same. Allow watching them get turned on turn you on ― it can feel like live porn.” ― Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco
2. Direct your own sex scene.
“For a couple that is used to engaging in more vanilla or conventional sex, thinking about what would make them really turned on with their partner can turn things up. Try to create a story or movie scene out of it. Think about this scenario from start to finish with all of the details. Have your partner do the same. Take turns sharing the explicit details about how turned on you are, what exactly would happen, what you would both do to each other, and what you’d be wearing, as if you’re telling a story from a dirty book or watching a movie scene. Sometimes, just being really explicit with your desires and vocalizing them can be enough of a shift to wake up a tired relationship.” ― Kristin Zeising, a sex therapist in San Diego
3. Breathe.
“‘Take big relaxing breaths’ isn’t the raciest sex tip, but it is incredibly effective. A few relaxing breaths can help you refocus your attention back on the sensation when you find yourself mentally distracted or anxious. Breath can also increase arousing sensations and give you stronger orgasms. When in doubt, take a few deep breaths and pay attention to how your body feels. Breath is the most underestimated sex tool around!” ― Chris Maxwell Rose, a sex educator and the creator of the Pleasure Mechanics online courses
4. Have oral sex without the expectation of an orgasm.
“Get past intercourse-focused sex and get passionate about oral sex. Instead of the same licks and tricks, try different techniques to stimulate your partner orally including long strokes with the tongue, sucking lightly and gently on all parts of the genitals and exploring your partner’s body with your mouth. Take your time and don’t focus on an orgasm. Instead focus on pleasurable sensations for your partner. ” ― Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles
5. Enjoy the sexual buildup.
“We know from the research of Rosemary Basson that often, especially for women, desire is responsive, not spontaneous. This means that willingness and being open and receptive to a sexual experience is key. When you are receptive to sexual stimulation ― having your hair stroked, body caressed, kissing ― more often than not, the body responds, and it’s through arousal that desire kicks in.” ― Megan Fleming, a New York City-based sex therapist and the author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection
6. Objectify your partner.
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“Oftentimes, we transition to romantic love with our long-term partners and stop thinking of them sexually. In doing so, we stop objectifying them. Objectification isn’t always a bad thing in a healthy relationship. It can be extremely exciting and arousing. I encourage couples to bring that raunchy, dirty, kinky side of them back into the relationship, and to integrate their inner sex god or goddess into their relationship persona.” ― Moushumi Ghose, sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented
7. Develop a signature move.
“One of the things that makes sex with a special someone leaving you wanting more is their signature move. If you think about the best lovers you’ve had, they’ve all probably had one. Pick what you love to do that drives your partner wild and do that often, with slight variation or in new environments. One of the hottest things in having sex with the same person is that you learn an unspoken language that only the two of you share, full of hot secrets.” ― Anne Ridley, a sexologist and owner of Modern Aphrodite, an online pleasure boutique
8. Do it somewhere you know you shouldn’t.
“The monotony of the bedroom or the couch can kill a sex life. Try changing the location, and I’m not talking from the bed to the floor. The next time you go to your friend’s house for a dinner party, sneak away to their bathroom. The next time you’re parked in a dark semi-private lot, squeeze in a quickie. It doesn’t even need to be full intercourse. Go oral or use your fingers for an old-school makeout vibe. The key here is to create an exciting and risky experience that will ignite some fresh energy between you both. Hopefully, it will then transfer back to the bedroom.” ― Lisa Paz, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Miami
9. Stop thinking and let your body take over.
“Stop judging every thought you have and worrying about whether you are doing sex ‘right.’ There is no right or wrong way to be a lover. Simply be present and aware of your body sensations and be open to exploring the range of erotic pleasures.” ― Janet Brito, a psychologist and sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu
10. Get handsy.
“Spend time enjoying light arousal even when sex isn’t on the menu. Too many couples only bother to get excited together when they’re about to have sex ― as if feeling aroused is some kind of unpleasant state that has to be relieved as quickly as possible by having an orgasm. The happiest couples enjoy feeling aroused together even when there’s no time or opportunity to have sex ― just because it feels good. It doesn’t have to be full-on arousal ― maybe you’re just playing footsie under the table at a restaurant. Sometimes it can be nice to just feel a bit turned on ― then to let it pass, without having to drive it to a conclusion.” ― Stephen Snyder, a sex therapist in New York City and the author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Term Relationship
To help couples in long-term relationships stretch their imaginations, we asked sexperts from around the country to share one piece of unconventional advice. See what they had to say below.
1. Watch each other masturbate.
“How taboo to bring your secret pleasure out into light, right? Touch yourself the way you normally would to bring an orgasm, just in front of your honey while they are doing the same. Allow watching them get turned on turn you on ― it can feel like live porn.” ― Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco
2. Direct your own sex scene.
“For a couple that is used to engaging in more vanilla or conventional sex, thinking about what would make them really turned on with their partner can turn things up. Try to create a story or movie scene out of it. Think about this scenario from start to finish with all of the details. Have your partner do the same. Take turns sharing the explicit details about how turned on you are, what exactly would happen, what you would both do to each other, and what you’d be wearing, as if you’re telling a story from a dirty book or watching a movie scene. Sometimes, just being really explicit with your desires and vocalizing them can be enough of a shift to wake up a tired relationship.” ― Kristin Zeising, a sex therapist in San Diego
3. Breathe.
“‘Take big relaxing breaths’ isn’t the raciest sex tip, but it is incredibly effective. A few relaxing breaths can help you refocus your attention back on the sensation when you find yourself mentally distracted or anxious. Breath can also increase arousing sensations and give you stronger orgasms. When in doubt, take a few deep breaths and pay attention to how your body feels. Breath is the most underestimated sex tool around!” ― Chris Maxwell Rose, a sex educator and the creator of the Pleasure Mechanics online courses
4. Have oral sex without the expectation of an orgasm.
“Get past intercourse-focused sex and get passionate about oral sex. Instead of the same licks and tricks, try different techniques to stimulate your partner orally including long strokes with the tongue, sucking lightly and gently on all parts of the genitals and exploring your partner’s body with your mouth. Take your time and don’t focus on an orgasm. Instead focus on pleasurable sensations for your partner. ” ― Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles
5. Enjoy the sexual buildup.
“We know from the research of Rosemary Basson that often, especially for women, desire is responsive, not spontaneous. This means that willingness and being open and receptive to a sexual experience is key. When you are receptive to sexual stimulation ― having your hair stroked, body caressed, kissing ― more often than not, the body responds, and it’s through arousal that desire kicks in.” ― Megan Fleming, a New York City-based sex therapist and the author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection
6. Objectify your partner.
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“Oftentimes, we transition to romantic love with our long-term partners and stop thinking of them sexually. In doing so, we stop objectifying them. Objectification isn’t always a bad thing in a healthy relationship. It can be extremely exciting and arousing. I encourage couples to bring that raunchy, dirty, kinky side of them back into the relationship, and to integrate their inner sex god or goddess into their relationship persona.” ― Moushumi Ghose, sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented
7. Develop a signature move.
“One of the things that makes sex with a special someone leaving you wanting more is their signature move. If you think about the best lovers you’ve had, they’ve all probably had one. Pick what you love to do that drives your partner wild and do that often, with slight variation or in new environments. One of the hottest things in having sex with the same person is that you learn an unspoken language that only the two of you share, full of hot secrets.” ― Anne Ridley, a sexologist and owner of Modern Aphrodite, an online pleasure boutique
8. Do it somewhere you know you shouldn’t.
“The monotony of the bedroom or the couch can kill a sex life. Try changing the location, and I’m not talking from the bed to the floor. The next time you go to your friend’s house for a dinner party, sneak away to their bathroom. The next time you’re parked in a dark semi-private lot, squeeze in a quickie. It doesn’t even need to be full intercourse. Go oral or use your fingers for an old-school makeout vibe. The key here is to create an exciting and risky experience that will ignite some fresh energy between you both. Hopefully, it will then transfer back to the bedroom.” ― Lisa Paz, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Miami
9. Stop thinking and let your body take over.
“Stop judging every thought you have and worrying about whether you are doing sex ‘right.’ There is no right or wrong way to be a lover. Simply be present and aware of your body sensations and be open to exploring the range of erotic pleasures.” ― Janet Brito, a psychologist and sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu
10. Get handsy.
“Spend time enjoying light arousal even when sex isn’t on the menu. Too many couples only bother to get excited together when they’re about to have sex ― as if feeling aroused is some kind of unpleasant state that has to be relieved as quickly as possible by having an orgasm. The happiest couples enjoy feeling aroused together even when there’s no time or opportunity to have sex ― just because it feels good. It doesn’t have to be full-on arousal ― maybe you’re just playing footsie under the table at a restaurant. Sometimes it can be nice to just feel a bit turned on ― then to let it pass, without having to drive it to a conclusion.” ― Stephen Snyder, a sex therapist in New York City and the author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Term Relationship
2018年3月31日星期六
Indoor Trainers Can Supplement an Outdoor Cycling Program
A cycling workout is often regulated by weather conditions that may force the rider indoors. An indoor trainer can also be used to supplement outdoor cycling training in the evening hours or during the off-season. Serious cyclists can, in fact, use an indoor trainer as an early start in preparations for a bicycling or triathlon race season. The indoor trainer does not replace an outdoor ride. However, properly planned the indoor cycling workout can provide a benefit that will improve leg power and endurance for outdoor cycling.
First it is important to select and indoor trainer. A magnetic resistance system provides a stable base and variable resistance. This system connects to the rear wheel axle and pushes a role bar against the rear tire for resistance. Levels of resistance can be adjusted to facilitate outdoor riding. There are also free standing indoor trainers where the bike sits on a pair of rollers. Since the bike is not attached, this is not recommended for beginners developing and indoor cycling program.
The cycling workout should begin with a basic thirty-minute warm-up using minimal resistance. Like outdoor training, the cyclist should maintain a cadence in the range 80 to 100 beats per minute. Proper form should always be maintained and the cyclists should imitate an outdoor ride. This is because correct body position is essential to reduce stress on back and legs.
The indoor trainer can also be used to increase power. This is not to be confused with increasing strength often associated with weightlifting. Power is associated with muscle fibers used for the final sprint or uphill riding. The cycling workout can be adjusted to focus on power by increasing resistance for a period of twenty seconds. This should be followed by a thirty-second recovery and repeated ten times. Cycling training that incorporates resistance training should be followed by fifteen to twenty minutes at normal pace for recovery.
Another method for developing power using and indoor trainer is to increase pedal speed. Similar to short bursts with increased resistance the pedal speed can be increased for twenty second intervals and repeated ten times before resuming normal pedal speed. The cycling training incorporating power training should always allow recovery time for fifteen to twenty minutes.
Indoor trainers are an excellent way to supplement a cycling workout for both serious and fitness cyclists. By adding intervals that require more leg power, the indoor workout develops more muscle fibers than those used for endurance training. Indoor trainers are not meant to replace the outdoor ride but provide a good form of fitness and endurance for any individual involved in a cycling program.
First it is important to select and indoor trainer. A magnetic resistance system provides a stable base and variable resistance. This system connects to the rear wheel axle and pushes a role bar against the rear tire for resistance. Levels of resistance can be adjusted to facilitate outdoor riding. There are also free standing indoor trainers where the bike sits on a pair of rollers. Since the bike is not attached, this is not recommended for beginners developing and indoor cycling program.
The cycling workout should begin with a basic thirty-minute warm-up using minimal resistance. Like outdoor training, the cyclist should maintain a cadence in the range 80 to 100 beats per minute. Proper form should always be maintained and the cyclists should imitate an outdoor ride. This is because correct body position is essential to reduce stress on back and legs.
The indoor trainer can also be used to increase power. This is not to be confused with increasing strength often associated with weightlifting. Power is associated with muscle fibers used for the final sprint or uphill riding. The cycling workout can be adjusted to focus on power by increasing resistance for a period of twenty seconds. This should be followed by a thirty-second recovery and repeated ten times. Cycling training that incorporates resistance training should be followed by fifteen to twenty minutes at normal pace for recovery.
Another method for developing power using and indoor trainer is to increase pedal speed. Similar to short bursts with increased resistance the pedal speed can be increased for twenty second intervals and repeated ten times before resuming normal pedal speed. The cycling training incorporating power training should always allow recovery time for fifteen to twenty minutes.
Indoor trainers are an excellent way to supplement a cycling workout for both serious and fitness cyclists. By adding intervals that require more leg power, the indoor workout develops more muscle fibers than those used for endurance training. Indoor trainers are not meant to replace the outdoor ride but provide a good form of fitness and endurance for any individual involved in a cycling program.
Five Killer Reasons to Start Cycling
No, I'm not necessarily suggesting you should pull out that old rusty bicycle from the garage. Though that might be fun... What I am suggesting, is that you might want to think about starting a cycle workout on a stationary bike. Here's five reasons starting cycling training will be great for you!
1) TONE YOUR THIGHS AND CALVES
There really are not many workouts that can get those gluts, thighs and calves supremely chiseled as a strong cycling workout. Getting yourself into even a small cycle program just a few times a week can bring you decent results in no time, even if you've spent years riding a real bike.
2) LOSE THAT REAR WEIGHT
Have a bit of extra baggage in your mid and rear sections? Don't fret, a lot of us do and it's not something to ashamed of, just a habit like anything else that takes time to get out of. Cycle training is a great way to get an easy workout that actually helps get rid of those "lower" weights you don't need to carry with you any longer.
3) TIGHTEN YOUR ABS
This is something that isn't usually conversed about a lot. Stationary cycle programs are a great way to tighten your abs and get that tight pack you've been dreaming of. Whether you would just like flat abs or you desire a complete 6 pack, cycling is one creative way to get their easily. With a regular routine you can keep those abs firm for years to come.
4) GAIN ENDURANCE
We know that exercising the heart is one of the ways to maintain and or improve our health. With this in mind, it's no question that cycling workouts get your heart pumping and blood flowing strong. Build your endurance easily and quickly with a regular cycling routine.
5) LIVE LONGER
By taking care of your heart and shedding excess pounds you don't need, you are adding precious years to your body and releasing "happy hormones" (endorphins) that help keep you motivated and in good spirits. If you combined your cycle training with other forms of weight training, exercise, and healthy eating you will add countless GOOD years to your life.
For me, these were enough reasons to get started. What will your reason to start cycling be?
1) TONE YOUR THIGHS AND CALVES
There really are not many workouts that can get those gluts, thighs and calves supremely chiseled as a strong cycling workout. Getting yourself into even a small cycle program just a few times a week can bring you decent results in no time, even if you've spent years riding a real bike.
2) LOSE THAT REAR WEIGHT
Have a bit of extra baggage in your mid and rear sections? Don't fret, a lot of us do and it's not something to ashamed of, just a habit like anything else that takes time to get out of. Cycle training is a great way to get an easy workout that actually helps get rid of those "lower" weights you don't need to carry with you any longer.
3) TIGHTEN YOUR ABS
This is something that isn't usually conversed about a lot. Stationary cycle programs are a great way to tighten your abs and get that tight pack you've been dreaming of. Whether you would just like flat abs or you desire a complete 6 pack, cycling is one creative way to get their easily. With a regular routine you can keep those abs firm for years to come.
4) GAIN ENDURANCE
We know that exercising the heart is one of the ways to maintain and or improve our health. With this in mind, it's no question that cycling workouts get your heart pumping and blood flowing strong. Build your endurance easily and quickly with a regular cycling routine.
5) LIVE LONGER
By taking care of your heart and shedding excess pounds you don't need, you are adding precious years to your body and releasing "happy hormones" (endorphins) that help keep you motivated and in good spirits. If you combined your cycle training with other forms of weight training, exercise, and healthy eating you will add countless GOOD years to your life.
For me, these were enough reasons to get started. What will your reason to start cycling be?
Cycling Training For Beginning Triathletes
Cycling is the longest segment of any triathlon, whether you count miles or duration. Cycling is the easiest of the three legs in which to make up for weaknesses in the other two legs. Many people start considering triathlons because of their strength as runners and then focus on becoming more proficient swimmers during training. The idea is that we all know how to ride a bike; and a little cycling training is enough to get through the race. This is simply not true.
This is the only segment in a triathlon that has equipment. It is vital that you are riding a cycle that fits, that you know your equipment, that you are comfortable riding with others, and know that your cycling program has prepared you for the cycling segment.
The Bike
Make sure the bike you chose to ride for twelve or more miles is the right cycle for you. It must physically fit your body dimensions, your needs, and your budget.
Go to a reputable cycle store in your area and allow the experts to fit you. Sales people in a trustworthy bike store usually ride and know how to find the right bike for the person. This fitting can be as easy or as complicated as you want. The extreme end of fitting is having a cycle custom made for you. For many, the realistic option is determining which prefabricated cycle is right for your body and is available.
Do you need a road, mountain, or hybrid cycle? Usually a triathlon is completed on roads. Make sure you know if yours is a road or trail race. The tires and frames may be different depending on your needs.
The Workout
A cycling workout will get you comfortable with your cycle, among other things. You should know how to balance, change gears easily, understand when to change gears, be comfortable riding in a pack, and know that finishing this segment will be a breeze.
First, just make sure you have practiced on short rides and get used to your bike. You may find that you want a padded seat. Changing gears, going up hills, and passing people should be easy; at least from a technical standpoint.
Once you have these basics, you can begin working on your training program. This is different from the workout in that it has a purpose. Working out is expending energy. Training programs are designed with a goal in mind. Goals may vary, but you will have one. Whether it is to complete the cycling segment, shave 10% off your last time, or finish ahead of your training partner you will be working toward something specific.
This is the only segment in a triathlon that has equipment. It is vital that you are riding a cycle that fits, that you know your equipment, that you are comfortable riding with others, and know that your cycling program has prepared you for the cycling segment.
The Bike
Make sure the bike you chose to ride for twelve or more miles is the right cycle for you. It must physically fit your body dimensions, your needs, and your budget.
Go to a reputable cycle store in your area and allow the experts to fit you. Sales people in a trustworthy bike store usually ride and know how to find the right bike for the person. This fitting can be as easy or as complicated as you want. The extreme end of fitting is having a cycle custom made for you. For many, the realistic option is determining which prefabricated cycle is right for your body and is available.
Do you need a road, mountain, or hybrid cycle? Usually a triathlon is completed on roads. Make sure you know if yours is a road or trail race. The tires and frames may be different depending on your needs.
The Workout
A cycling workout will get you comfortable with your cycle, among other things. You should know how to balance, change gears easily, understand when to change gears, be comfortable riding in a pack, and know that finishing this segment will be a breeze.
First, just make sure you have practiced on short rides and get used to your bike. You may find that you want a padded seat. Changing gears, going up hills, and passing people should be easy; at least from a technical standpoint.
Once you have these basics, you can begin working on your training program. This is different from the workout in that it has a purpose. Working out is expending energy. Training programs are designed with a goal in mind. Goals may vary, but you will have one. Whether it is to complete the cycling segment, shave 10% off your last time, or finish ahead of your training partner you will be working toward something specific.
Cycling Training Program Should Include Proper Nutrition
A cycling training program for longer rides can become drainage on body food stores and fluids. Those who have progressed to this level of fitness should include thought over incorporating a nutrition plan in order to maintain a long-term level of physical exercise. Without a source of food the body will crave nutrition for sustained physical exertion and lack of fluids ultimately leads to dehydration, a severe condition. A good training program, therefore, must include basic elements for energy, protein, salts and fluid replacement. Sometimes it is difficult to see fluid loss because a cycling workout outside increases water evaporation.
Hydrating has been a well-known necessity during any endurance event. The majority of weight lost during a cycling workout is fluids. Each individual can determine sweat rate, or the rate fluids are lost during a cycling workout. This is performed by checking weight before and following cycling training and carefully monitoring the fluid intake during the workout. The goal is to take in an equivalent amount of fluids that are lost to prevent dehydration.
More recently it has been determined that fluid intake is not very productive when the body does not contain a certain level of salts. Without salts present in the system, water consumed may remain in the stomach and serves no purpose. Fluid replacement is better served with a sport drink containing a level of salt. Many recently developed sport drinks actually increase salt content for better absorption. Salt tablets are another option for salt replacement particularly when the cycling workout is on a hot day.
The final aspect of good nutrition for cycling training is a combination of protein and carbohydrates. Many sports bars and sports drink provide a source of carbohydrates for energy. However, there should also be focus on protein during the cycling workout. A ratio of 1 part protein to 4 or 5 parts carbohydrates is considered optimum. Carbohydrates may provide the most immediate source of energy but protein is required to help absorb carbohydrates and supply the muscles with necessary protein. Protein from whey, milk protein, or soy is best because they do not require consuming meat.
Competitive cyclist should develop a cycling program that mimics race day conditions. No individual wants to run out of energy and strength during the race and the same is true for every cycling workout. It is during cycling training that the rider will best determine what source of fluid replacement and nutrition work best. It should never be an unknown factor determined during the race. Every cyclist should remember the importance of training the body to accept nutrition by incorporating it into the cycling program.
Hydrating has been a well-known necessity during any endurance event. The majority of weight lost during a cycling workout is fluids. Each individual can determine sweat rate, or the rate fluids are lost during a cycling workout. This is performed by checking weight before and following cycling training and carefully monitoring the fluid intake during the workout. The goal is to take in an equivalent amount of fluids that are lost to prevent dehydration.
More recently it has been determined that fluid intake is not very productive when the body does not contain a certain level of salts. Without salts present in the system, water consumed may remain in the stomach and serves no purpose. Fluid replacement is better served with a sport drink containing a level of salt. Many recently developed sport drinks actually increase salt content for better absorption. Salt tablets are another option for salt replacement particularly when the cycling workout is on a hot day.
The final aspect of good nutrition for cycling training is a combination of protein and carbohydrates. Many sports bars and sports drink provide a source of carbohydrates for energy. However, there should also be focus on protein during the cycling workout. A ratio of 1 part protein to 4 or 5 parts carbohydrates is considered optimum. Carbohydrates may provide the most immediate source of energy but protein is required to help absorb carbohydrates and supply the muscles with necessary protein. Protein from whey, milk protein, or soy is best because they do not require consuming meat.
Competitive cyclist should develop a cycling program that mimics race day conditions. No individual wants to run out of energy and strength during the race and the same is true for every cycling workout. It is during cycling training that the rider will best determine what source of fluid replacement and nutrition work best. It should never be an unknown factor determined during the race. Every cyclist should remember the importance of training the body to accept nutrition by incorporating it into the cycling program.
Cycling Training - The Concept of Cadence
Cycling Cadence
If you are new to cycling, the concept of cadence may be altogether novel. You have probably been riding a bike for years with little thought given to the techniques behind riding faster, performing better, and placing less stress on your body.
Cadence is the number of revolutions of the bike crank per minute or the rate at which you pedal. There is a wide range of cadences; from 60 revolutions per minute (rmp) to 170rmp. Sprinters may be near 170rmp; Lance Armstong prefers to cycle between 90 and 110rmp. You will probably be pedaling slower than Lance! If you want to know, monitor, and improve your cadence the best solution is cycling training coupled with a cycle computer.
Most new cyclists think they are getting a better cycling workout if they are straining through every stroke, their quads are burning, and they are gasping for each breath. This is exceedingly difficult for the legs and knees, and is inefficient. You want your legs and knees to work for decades, treat them well. Most beginning riders have a cadence between 60 and 70rmp. A better range to experiment with is 80 - 100rmp.
Your cycling program should include cadence work and testing. Each rider's optimal cadence will be unique and may change with cycling training. A cyclist's physique and proportions will determine their most favorable cadence. A cycling program may have significant impact on the most efficient cadence for a rider.
Take this test to understand cadence and perceived effort:
1. Find an uninterrupted protected 2-mile stretch of slightly rolling road.
2. Warm up for at least 15 minutes.
3. Ride the course in your biggest gear.
4. Note your heart rate and finish time.
5. Recover on the bicycle for about 20 minutes with easy spinning.
6. Cycle the road again at the same heart rate. This time choose a rear cog that is larger, but allows you to keep your cadence at about 100rpm.
7. Note your time.
8. Rest for a day or two.
9. Complete the test in reverse.
10. Compare your times. Typically, the lower gear and higher cadence will deliver faster times for less effort.
A cycling workout to increase your cadence:
1. Find a downhill course.
2. Free spin in a small gear.
3. Increase your cadence until you start bouncing.
4. Slow down so the bouncing stops.
5. Hold that cadence.
6. Maintain a smooth pedal stroke for one minute.
7. Pedal up the hill.
8. Repeat.
9. Use that tailwind!
10. Shift into a moderate gear.
11. Gradually increase your cadence until you are around 100 - 110rpm.
12. Hold for 30 seconds.
13. Gradually slow down to 80rpm.
14. Repeat.
If you are new to cycling, the concept of cadence may be altogether novel. You have probably been riding a bike for years with little thought given to the techniques behind riding faster, performing better, and placing less stress on your body.
Cadence is the number of revolutions of the bike crank per minute or the rate at which you pedal. There is a wide range of cadences; from 60 revolutions per minute (rmp) to 170rmp. Sprinters may be near 170rmp; Lance Armstong prefers to cycle between 90 and 110rmp. You will probably be pedaling slower than Lance! If you want to know, monitor, and improve your cadence the best solution is cycling training coupled with a cycle computer.
Most new cyclists think they are getting a better cycling workout if they are straining through every stroke, their quads are burning, and they are gasping for each breath. This is exceedingly difficult for the legs and knees, and is inefficient. You want your legs and knees to work for decades, treat them well. Most beginning riders have a cadence between 60 and 70rmp. A better range to experiment with is 80 - 100rmp.
Your cycling program should include cadence work and testing. Each rider's optimal cadence will be unique and may change with cycling training. A cyclist's physique and proportions will determine their most favorable cadence. A cycling program may have significant impact on the most efficient cadence for a rider.
Take this test to understand cadence and perceived effort:
1. Find an uninterrupted protected 2-mile stretch of slightly rolling road.
2. Warm up for at least 15 minutes.
3. Ride the course in your biggest gear.
4. Note your heart rate and finish time.
5. Recover on the bicycle for about 20 minutes with easy spinning.
6. Cycle the road again at the same heart rate. This time choose a rear cog that is larger, but allows you to keep your cadence at about 100rpm.
7. Note your time.
8. Rest for a day or two.
9. Complete the test in reverse.
10. Compare your times. Typically, the lower gear and higher cadence will deliver faster times for less effort.
A cycling workout to increase your cadence:
1. Find a downhill course.
2. Free spin in a small gear.
3. Increase your cadence until you start bouncing.
4. Slow down so the bouncing stops.
5. Hold that cadence.
6. Maintain a smooth pedal stroke for one minute.
7. Pedal up the hill.
8. Repeat.
9. Use that tailwind!
10. Shift into a moderate gear.
11. Gradually increase your cadence until you are around 100 - 110rpm.
12. Hold for 30 seconds.
13. Gradually slow down to 80rpm.
14. Repeat.
Cycle Lights - Keeping Fit and Safety
The Benefits of Cycle Lights
If you're a regular rider, cycle lights should be of paramount importance to you, especially if you travel in the evenings. The UK is becoming more and more cycle friendly year by year with more designated cycle paths, routes, events and competitions than ever before. Thanks to the recent developments in technology, lights for our cycles are more advanced than ever before and this means we can enjoy riding at all hours of the day! If you are not in the habit of cycling regularly then it could be a good idea to look at ways of maximising your cycle use so you can take advantage of all the benefits cycling can offer. Not only is it great for health and fitness purposes, it is also a great way of saving money. After the initial startup cost of the bike and accessories, cycling is free. You will find that you save money on petrol and a lot of time on parking! Whether you're going to cycle alone or with friends/family, getting into the habit of cycling regularly will improve your lifestyle significantly. It also means you can enjoy cycling holidays or take part in a charity event to show off your skills! LED cycle lights are an important accessory on your bike so that you can see where you're going and remain safe.
Keeping fit with LED Cycle Lights
Staying fit is a popular reason for many people who wish to take up cycling. Riding a bike has many health benefits and research has shown that people who ride 20 miles or more during the course of a week can potentially lower their fitness age by 10 years! If this in itself doesn't motivate you to get on your bike, then take a look at some of the other benefits:
Shapes and tones the abs, thighs and calf muscles
Studies have shown it reduces cellulite
Reduces the chances of heart disease
Reduces stress levels
Increase fitness levels
LED cycle lights are a great way to ensure that you stay safe whilst keeping fit, especially if you plan on riding longer distances. During the winter months, daylight can be a rare commodity and early mornings and evenings can be hazardous for the unprepared cyclist. Fog, mist and rain can contribute to poor visibility on a cycle ride, so before you set off, ensure your lights are in good working order. It may be sunny when you leave, but we all know how predictable the weather can be! Keep yourself hydrated during a long cycle journey and always wear a helmet. Above all, have as much fun as possible with your bike and remember to use your cycle lights to get the most out of your hobby!
If you're a regular rider, cycle lights should be of paramount importance to you, especially if you travel in the evenings. The UK is becoming more and more cycle friendly year by year with more designated cycle paths, routes, events and competitions than ever before. Thanks to the recent developments in technology, lights for our cycles are more advanced than ever before and this means we can enjoy riding at all hours of the day! If you are not in the habit of cycling regularly then it could be a good idea to look at ways of maximising your cycle use so you can take advantage of all the benefits cycling can offer. Not only is it great for health and fitness purposes, it is also a great way of saving money. After the initial startup cost of the bike and accessories, cycling is free. You will find that you save money on petrol and a lot of time on parking! Whether you're going to cycle alone or with friends/family, getting into the habit of cycling regularly will improve your lifestyle significantly. It also means you can enjoy cycling holidays or take part in a charity event to show off your skills! LED cycle lights are an important accessory on your bike so that you can see where you're going and remain safe.
Keeping fit with LED Cycle Lights
Staying fit is a popular reason for many people who wish to take up cycling. Riding a bike has many health benefits and research has shown that people who ride 20 miles or more during the course of a week can potentially lower their fitness age by 10 years! If this in itself doesn't motivate you to get on your bike, then take a look at some of the other benefits:
Shapes and tones the abs, thighs and calf muscles
Studies have shown it reduces cellulite
Reduces the chances of heart disease
Reduces stress levels
Increase fitness levels
LED cycle lights are a great way to ensure that you stay safe whilst keeping fit, especially if you plan on riding longer distances. During the winter months, daylight can be a rare commodity and early mornings and evenings can be hazardous for the unprepared cyclist. Fog, mist and rain can contribute to poor visibility on a cycle ride, so before you set off, ensure your lights are in good working order. It may be sunny when you leave, but we all know how predictable the weather can be! Keep yourself hydrated during a long cycle journey and always wear a helmet. Above all, have as much fun as possible with your bike and remember to use your cycle lights to get the most out of your hobby!
Two Cycle Oil
Everyone knows the story of "The Little Engine That Could", but the engine powering your outboard motor or chainsaw isn't going to do so well if the right type of two cycle oil isn't used. It would be simple if all two-cycle engines were built the same, but they're not.
What Is A Two-Cycle Engine?
A two-cycle (or two-stroke) engine is an internal combustion engine whose thermodynamic cycle is completed in two pumps of the piston. This gives it a distinctive sputtering sound. These lightweight engines' crankcases are not closed, they are part of the induction tract and in order to keep them lubricated oil has to be mixed with the regular gasoline. This combination of oil and gas in the induction tract causes exhaust that has a blue tint to it and a very oily scent.
Two-cycle engines come in two distinctly different types. First is the water-cooled two-cycle engine, exemplified in most outboard motors. These engines have a high output demand. They are usually set at a high speed which is maintained for extended periods of time and they have a continual flow of water passing through them to cool them. Then there is the air-cooled two-cycle engine. Air-cooled two-cycled engines, such as chainsaws and weed whackers, have a much different operation life. They are constantly being started and stopped and different demands on engine output are being made depending on the item the saw or other tool is being used on. It is the differences between these two engines, how they operate and the demands placed on their systems that determines the kind of two-cycle oil you will need to choose.
Why Two-Cycle Oil?
In order for a two-cycle engine to run properly, the gas has to be combined with oil for lubrication. Common sense would say that any sort of lubricating oil would work, but there is a problem. Regular lubricating oil has a high ash content, which can become a serious problem when it is burned in the engine's combustion chamber. Two-cycle oil has a lower ash content so it will not build up as much of a deposit. Comparing regular lubricating oil with two stroke oil, the relevant difference is that two stroke oil must have a much lower ash content. This is required to minimize deposits that tend to form if ash is present in the oil which is burned in the engine's combustion chamber. But not all two-cycle oils are created equal. The kind of two-cycle oil you choose will depend primarily on the kind of two-cycle engine you are using.
What Kind of Two-Cycle Oil?
Technically there are three kinds of two-cycle oils. One kind is formulated specifically for water-cooled two-cycle engines. A second kind is formulated for air-cooled two-cycle engines. The third is supposed to be multi-purpose, that is, usable in either air or water cooled engines. Keep in mind however, that if you switch oils - even between brands, say from multi-purpose to air-cooled, you should completely drain the old oil before adding the new oil due to the differences in formulation and consistency.
Selecting the correct two-cycle oil for the type of engine you are using can significantly improve your engine's performance.
What Is A Two-Cycle Engine?
A two-cycle (or two-stroke) engine is an internal combustion engine whose thermodynamic cycle is completed in two pumps of the piston. This gives it a distinctive sputtering sound. These lightweight engines' crankcases are not closed, they are part of the induction tract and in order to keep them lubricated oil has to be mixed with the regular gasoline. This combination of oil and gas in the induction tract causes exhaust that has a blue tint to it and a very oily scent.
Two-cycle engines come in two distinctly different types. First is the water-cooled two-cycle engine, exemplified in most outboard motors. These engines have a high output demand. They are usually set at a high speed which is maintained for extended periods of time and they have a continual flow of water passing through them to cool them. Then there is the air-cooled two-cycle engine. Air-cooled two-cycled engines, such as chainsaws and weed whackers, have a much different operation life. They are constantly being started and stopped and different demands on engine output are being made depending on the item the saw or other tool is being used on. It is the differences between these two engines, how they operate and the demands placed on their systems that determines the kind of two-cycle oil you will need to choose.
Why Two-Cycle Oil?
In order for a two-cycle engine to run properly, the gas has to be combined with oil for lubrication. Common sense would say that any sort of lubricating oil would work, but there is a problem. Regular lubricating oil has a high ash content, which can become a serious problem when it is burned in the engine's combustion chamber. Two-cycle oil has a lower ash content so it will not build up as much of a deposit. Comparing regular lubricating oil with two stroke oil, the relevant difference is that two stroke oil must have a much lower ash content. This is required to minimize deposits that tend to form if ash is present in the oil which is burned in the engine's combustion chamber. But not all two-cycle oils are created equal. The kind of two-cycle oil you choose will depend primarily on the kind of two-cycle engine you are using.
What Kind of Two-Cycle Oil?
Technically there are three kinds of two-cycle oils. One kind is formulated specifically for water-cooled two-cycle engines. A second kind is formulated for air-cooled two-cycle engines. The third is supposed to be multi-purpose, that is, usable in either air or water cooled engines. Keep in mind however, that if you switch oils - even between brands, say from multi-purpose to air-cooled, you should completely drain the old oil before adding the new oil due to the differences in formulation and consistency.
Selecting the correct two-cycle oil for the type of engine you are using can significantly improve your engine's performance.
The UK Is Cycling Its Way to Better Health
Cycling is great for your health - and now it seems it's fabulous for the economy, too. According to a report by the London School of Economics, cycling boosts the annual UK economy to the tune of £3billion.
The figure is based on a range of factors including the manufacturing of bikes, the sale of all things bicycle related - helmets, jackets, pumps etc - and those employed in the booming cycling market. In 2010 alone, 28 per cent more bikes were sold than the year before, adding 3.7 million new bikes to our roads and byways.
The report also reveals that more than a million people took up cycling last year, bringing the total number of cyclists in Britain to 13 million.
What is behind this sudden new-found interest in cycling?
The report points to an number of factors for the surge in cycling. First is an increase in petrol prices. It's also thought that better cycling routes are contributing to greater numbers of cyclists.
Campaigns about cycling for better health and a growing number of novice-style cycling sportive events have also led to a growth in the number of female cyclists.
Cycling is great for your health
There is no doubting that cycling is a fantastic form of cardiovascular fitness. The average person cycling at a moderate speed will burn more than 400 calories an hour.
Cycling is also an excellent muscle toner, especially if you're looking for more shapely legs and bum.
Added to this, cycling is good for the health and productivity of workplaces. A predicted 20% increase in cycling levels by 2015 could save millions of pounds in reduced congestion, pollution levels and NHS costs.
The London School of Economics study reports that regular cyclists take 1.3 less sick days per year, saving £128m through reduced absenteeism.
Perhaps it's time for you to get on your bike
If you haven't been on a bike for years you should consider finding a traffic-free location, such as a park. Look for somewhere flat and give yourself plenty of space for pedalling.
Courses, such as those run by Cycling Scotland, can assist adult sin gaining confidence for returning to two-wheeled transport.
You will want to build up slowly so that your muscles get used to cycling. Try cycling a few miles to begin with and then add more miles each time you head out.
In gym cycle classes and cycling on stationary bikes are good for added fitness and for when the weather isn't so kind.
It's also possible to buy a turbo trainer so as to turn your ordinary bike into a stationary, in-house fitness gadget.
If you own a stationary bike or a turbo trainer try following an on-line video cycling session in the comfort of your own home.
And, as many people find, once you start cycling you'll become hooked on the sport. I predict that even more people will get on their bikes as the Olympics draws ever closer.
The figure is based on a range of factors including the manufacturing of bikes, the sale of all things bicycle related - helmets, jackets, pumps etc - and those employed in the booming cycling market. In 2010 alone, 28 per cent more bikes were sold than the year before, adding 3.7 million new bikes to our roads and byways.
The report also reveals that more than a million people took up cycling last year, bringing the total number of cyclists in Britain to 13 million.
What is behind this sudden new-found interest in cycling?
The report points to an number of factors for the surge in cycling. First is an increase in petrol prices. It's also thought that better cycling routes are contributing to greater numbers of cyclists.
Campaigns about cycling for better health and a growing number of novice-style cycling sportive events have also led to a growth in the number of female cyclists.
Cycling is great for your health
There is no doubting that cycling is a fantastic form of cardiovascular fitness. The average person cycling at a moderate speed will burn more than 400 calories an hour.
Cycling is also an excellent muscle toner, especially if you're looking for more shapely legs and bum.
Added to this, cycling is good for the health and productivity of workplaces. A predicted 20% increase in cycling levels by 2015 could save millions of pounds in reduced congestion, pollution levels and NHS costs.
The London School of Economics study reports that regular cyclists take 1.3 less sick days per year, saving £128m through reduced absenteeism.
Perhaps it's time for you to get on your bike
If you haven't been on a bike for years you should consider finding a traffic-free location, such as a park. Look for somewhere flat and give yourself plenty of space for pedalling.
Courses, such as those run by Cycling Scotland, can assist adult sin gaining confidence for returning to two-wheeled transport.
You will want to build up slowly so that your muscles get used to cycling. Try cycling a few miles to begin with and then add more miles each time you head out.
In gym cycle classes and cycling on stationary bikes are good for added fitness and for when the weather isn't so kind.
It's also possible to buy a turbo trainer so as to turn your ordinary bike into a stationary, in-house fitness gadget.
If you own a stationary bike or a turbo trainer try following an on-line video cycling session in the comfort of your own home.
And, as many people find, once you start cycling you'll become hooked on the sport. I predict that even more people will get on their bikes as the Olympics draws ever closer.
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